The Best Bit of the Internet

The Grim Reaper of Blogs

2008-03-07T20:30:00.000-08:00

Death.

He comes to all us all in the end, scythe in hand, ready to help us shuffle off this mortal coil whether we want to or not.

What a dick.

For The Best Bit of the Internet, today heralds the day the Grim Reaper of Blogs reaches out with his mighty weapon (no laughing at the back, there. This is serious) and extinguishes all life from the poor, old blog.

Which is a rather noncy , puffed-up way of saying I'm no longer updating this site.

It was fun while it lasted, but now The Best Bit of the Internet has outlived its purpose. I'm far too busy writing The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely and my personal blog, Digital Sickbag to even care about this place any more.

I know, its sad.

Still, whilst The Best Bit of the Internet crumbles into ashes, something else will rise from them - Phoenix-like - and issue forth new life and new possibilities...

Which is a rather noncy, puffed-up way of saying I've got a new site in the works. Look at this:

Intrigued? No? WELL YOU BLOODY SHALL BE.

gaup hits the net very soon, like a sledgehammer of SODDING BRILLIANCE.

So forget this dive. Let's get out of here. I'll meet you somewhere else on the internet, at some other best place.

BYE!

- Fanton.

Still the Best

2008-01-23T07:36:00.000-08:00

Hello! We're still here!

We haven't all fled to the Caribbean, or been swallowed by sharks or anything, in case you're wondering. We've just been busy, is all. Geez, give us a break already. No, YOU shut up. Shut up. SHUT UP.

That's it! We're going to mother's.

While we're at mother's, sobbing away and eating ice cream by the gallon, you might like to visit our other spectacular sites, where we've been as busy as ever:

The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely - the exhilarating, erotically-charged exploits of a Victorian aristocrat.

The Carrotty Kid - kung-fu carrot based cartoons.

Digital Sickbag - the virtual vomitings of some sickly sod.

i done a comic - foul-mouthed comic strip fun.

We shall return!

See you soon!

Ray the Otter: Fez.

2007-12-06T20:28:00.002-08:00

For more Ray the Otter, and other assorted curse-filled cartoons, visit i done a comic, by Stu Munro.

Oh, and wish him a Happy Birthday while you're there.

And call him a shit-bag.

- Fanton.

Best or Worst: Mugs.

2007-11-28T06:17:00.000-08:00

BEST or WORST?

Welcome to yet another new column for The Best Bit of the Internet, where we will review products for YOU so you can decide whether or not to buy them, as our opinions are ALWAYS RIGHT and should be adhered to RIGIDLY.

Today, we take a look at MUGS.

We don't know about you, but we are fed up of pouring scalding hot drinks into our cupped hands, just to enjoy some tea or coffee. There has to be a better way to enjoy our favourite drinks, without winding up in the Emergency Ward?

Well, now there is - mugs. These drinking vessels purport to eliminate those burnt-hand blues by providing a receptacle in which hot beverages can be stored, ready to be drunk at your leisure. So, does the mug work, or are they making mugs of us all?

Design

The mug certainly looks nice, having been carefully crafted out of ceramic materials and rounded off with a lovely glazed finish. A sole handle sits on the side, lending the mug an economy of design that only adds to its charm. Unfussy, uncomplicated and unobtrusive, the mug will surely go down in history as a design classic, to be imitated for years to come.

Functionality

We found the mug to be extremely easy to use, as befits its simple design. You simply fill the mug up with a hot beverage of your choice, and then drink said beverage in your own time. Thanks to the thick walls of the mug, the drink retains its heat for an extended period of time, meaning it can be drunk as and when the drinker sees fit. However, we did find that the mug could be rather hot to the touch after filling it up with a boiling hot drink, and we were concerned that we might hurt our delicate hands.

"...a genius innovation".

That is where the handle comes in. Whereas previous versions of the mug have been distinctly handle-less, the makers of the mug have listened to consumer feedback and added a simple handle to the design of this latest model. It is a genius innovation, which allows users to pick up the mug with far greater ease and comfort, and without sustaining any injury. It is a masterstroke which we feel elevates the mug to 'must-have' status.

Durability

The mug is a rather fragile item, which will chip or shatter if treated roughly, or hurled angrily at a cheating spouse. However, if properly taken care of, the mug could last forever, providing you with a lifetime of drinking pleasure.

Conclusion

We cannot rate the mug highly enough. If you like hot drinks, then look no further - this is the perfect storage device. CHEERS!

Rating

BEST

- tested by Andy Fanton.

You Are Going Straight to Hell because You Will Not Touch Yourself.

2007-11-27T06:29:00.000-08:00

God is angry. God is very angry. It doesn't pay to make God angry. You wouldn't like him when He's angry.

God is angry because, despite His best efforts, and all His hard work, some of you out there still refuse to touch yourself.

Look between your legs. Go on, get up off your chair, pull down your trousers (or lift up your skirts) and take a look.

See that thing between your legs? That is no accident of design. God did not slip with His Almighty Holy pencil while sketching out His blueprint for mankind. That thing is there for a reason. And no, I'm not referring to urination. Touch it. Touch it gently. Feel that pleasant sensation? That is God's way of telling you that you should touch yourself more often.

I hear fellow Christians claiming that touching yourself is a terrible, ugly sin. Those people are WRONG, and God shall strike them down. If God had meant for masturbation to be a sin, He would surely have made your genitals boiling hot to the touch, or made them shrivel up and fall off upon contact. But He did not do that, my friends. He made it feel nice to touch. He knew what he was doing. He was sending out a very clear signal - TOUCH YOURSELF.

Still some people did not get His message, so God went further. He put upon the land creatures so ravishing, so sexually attractive that simply seeing these people half-dressed would make you feel highly aroused, and want to touch yourself.

This fine-looking female was not put upon this Earth to further the cause of mankind, or help develop a cure for all disease. God had a place upon this Earth for people like her, and that place is in glossy magazines, lying around in varying states of undress, just to make you crave a quick wank.

Feel that urge rising up in your loins? Feel that desire to touch yourself? Do not fight it. Give in to it, for that is what He wants you to do. Do not listen to the naysayers who cry out that it is an evil temptation that must be ignored. God wants you to pound yourself raw, and expel your juices in sticky praise of His glorious work.

But still there are those that refuse to believe the truth. They decry the spilling of semen, claiming that it is a precious fluid, solely for the creation of babies. Once again, they are wrong, and God will kick them in the face in Heaven. Do you know how many sperm a man can produce in a lifetime? Millions upon millions. Do you really think that God intended for you to go forth and make millions of babies, clogging up our already overcrowded planet with their incessant whining and crying? Of course not, He is not stupid. He gave you plenty of spare sperm to spunk forth into fresh tissues, or old socks, or upon the back of a whore. It is all part of His great master plan.

So, do not fear yourself, dear readers. Proudly grab your penis, or explore your vagina, and give thanks to the Lord for His glorious creation.

Just remember to clean up afterwards. God has no patience for filth.

- Reverend B.J Hades, The Church of the Hairy Palm.

The Best Bits of the Internet that We Didn't Do 2

2007-11-21T06:03:00.001-08:00

Hello and welcome again to The Best Bit of the Internet's 'The Best Bits of the Internet that We Didn't Do...2'! (APPLAUSE, CHEERING).

Right! Without further ado, here are some things we've found on the internet that we didn't do, but are still Quite Good nonetheless. Soooooo....

Pringle Bells

Some of our good chums are in a band, and as such they like to make music. One of the musics they made recently was a Christmas-themed jingle for everyone's favourite tube-based snack, Pringles, as part of a competition run by the crunchy crisp corporation. Below is the band's masterpiece, set to a lovely animated video involving snowmen. And crisps. Watch it, love it, and then why not vote for it on the Pringles site, so that they might win and maybe treat us to a delicious Pringle. Do it, or little baby Christ will cry for all infinity.

Crispy Christmas

Vote for this video at the Pringles Jingles site!

Snowfun

Yeah, we know, we know. We've run articles about this virtual snowman maker before, but the truth is we love it and we love its creator, the marvelous Mike Whaite. So we'll continue posting about it until EVERYONE on the ENTIRE INTERNET has visited it. Like these three folks, who've submitted their fine efforts here:

Dirty Snow by Beennzzz of Stealthy Bean. Filth. Utter FILTH. (Excellent, 5/5)

Snow Globes by Olga, The Traveling Bra. Nice snowy peaks, there.

Manny, by Jack Ferguson. A snow-alien-cowboy. No, we don't know either.

And Now the Huey Lewis and the News

Over at Mattress Police, the ever-excellent Diesel has decided to give his blog a profound meaning and purpose, by campaigning to get Huey Lewis and the News back on constant rotation on radio stations across the land. We here at The Best Bit of the Internet fully support this cause, and urge you to join this important crusade. Need more convincing? How about this, then?...

You know what to do.

Finally

Finally, a bit of the internet we DID do. The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely sees the titular aristocrat embark upon a BRAND-NEW adventure, entitled the Curious Case of the Conjuring Calamity. Of course, the fact we did it makes it entirely brilliant, plus this is the perfect jumping on point for those foolish imbeciles who have yet to sample his lordship's delights. Join the adventure, here!

That's it. We're spent. BYEEEE!

- Fanton.

The Best Bits of the Internet that We Didn't Do

2007-11-09T09:21:00.000-08:00

Although we here at The Best Bit of the Internet are generally responsible for all the best stuff on the web, sometimes other people do things that are not too bad, and definitely worth a look. So, sit back, relax and pull down your pants as we share with you some of the best bits of the internet that we didn't do, in our new weekly column we call:

The Best Bits of the Internet that We Didn't Do

Daveula

This short film, made as part of a university project by some friends of ours, asks that age-old question: what would you do if you thought your mate was a vampire? We've all been there, right? Writer/director/star Tom Butler has done a sterling job on a budget of three pounds fifty-five, and produced a funny film for you to enjoy now:

Although we did not make this film, we heartily endorse it anyway. Not least because we did do a bit of writing on it, and generously donated our old flat for some of the location filming. We're nice like that. Hooray!

Filthy Snowmen

People of high virtue and unquestionable morals are often referred to as being "as pure as the driven snow." Well, now they'll have to rewrite that particular phrase, as snow just got a lot more filthy thanks to animation genius Mike Whaite. You may recall us pointing you all in the direction of his excellent virtual snowman maker earlier in the week, and now we present you with the XXXX hardcore, adult version! Go and make some slutty snowmen and snowwomen right now - like this pornographic pair right here:

Disgusting!

Laurel and Hardy As You've Never Heard Them Before!

The Peter Serafinowicz Show concluded its run on BBC2 this week, causing us to all moan and wail with displeasure, as it was pretty much the only show on TV we tuned into regularly. Still, it was great while it lasted, featuring some really genius comic moments, such as this rather...colourful tribute to Laurel and Hardy. Enjoy!

So there you go. There is some other good stuff out there, after all.

BYE!

- Andy Fanton.

BNN: Terrorist Leader Skeletor Arrested

2007-11-08T17:30:00.000-08:00

The Best News Network

Los Angeles, California

The War on Terror claimed another victory last night, after the sensational arrest of terrorist leader and skeletal super-villain Skeletor, following a sensational raid on his LA apartment, late last night.

Skeletor - real name Keldor - was led away in handcuffs by police, after officers were tipped off about his location by concerned neighbours.

Got him...an officer leads Skeletor to an awaiting police car.

"There had been a lot of loud music and shouting coming from his apartment," neighbour Jutt Firwad told BNN. "I went to complain about the noise, and couldn't believe my eyes when I saw Skeletor standing there, larger than life! He told me to f*** off, and waved a staff in my face, saying he was gonna zap me, so I ran back to my place and immediately called the cops."

The police arrived on the scene promptly, along with the FBI, and some SWAT teams. Mr. Skeletor apparently tried to evade capture by riding off on a large, purple panther, but police marksman shot the panther dead, leaving the fleshless felon stranded. Skeletor was then apprehended in a relatively quick and painless operation, although reports state that one police officer was partially disintegrated in the melee.

It is not known what Skeletor was doing in the USA, so far away from his Eternian lair on Snake Mountain, although evidence suggests that he may have arrived in LA to attend a meeting of a local Infinitist terror group.

Skeletor had eluded capture for many years, despite being on the FBI's Most Wanted list for the best part of two decades. He was wanted in connection with a series of attacks on the royal family of Eternia, as well as numerous counts of torture and cruelty. He was also believed to have possessed weapons of mass destruction, such as the Havoc Staff which was recovered on the scene last night.

President Bush was informed of the arrest in the early hours of this morning, and was said to have been "extremely relieved," and also spoke of a "great validation" for the ongoing War on Terror. Prince Adam of Eternia was also told of the arrest, and expressed his "sincere thanks and admiration" towards the American security forces, although Democrats are demanding that the President explains how such a high-profile terrorist figure could get into the country so easily.

Skeletor's arrest follows hot on the heels of the recent incarceration of Ram Man, one of Skeletor's many accomplices, who was arrested last month. The pair are currently being held in a high-security prison in California, awaiting trial.

More news as it comes.

The Best Fun: Build a Snowman Without Freezing Your Balls Off

2007-11-06T17:58:00.000-08:00

So, it is November; the nights are getting darker, a chill fills the air and Winter's ice-cold hands will soon be upon us, like some kind of zombie bastard clawing at your face, trying to feast on your warm, squidgy brains.

But you know what else Winter brings, right? Yup - SNOW!

Snow is great fun. You can compact it into balls and hurl it at the heads of unsuspecting relatives, you can write your name in it or you can eat it in a desperate bid to stay alive when you find yourself trapped on a mountain, having already eaten your best friend who gave his life so that you might live. Ah, yes. Great times.

Another reason that snow is so fucking ace is that you can use it to make snowmen. Or snow-women. Or snow people-of-no-specific-gender, if you wish to be politically correct. You freak.

But what if you like to build snowmen, but don't like freezing your bits off in the ice-cold air? What if you are allergic to snow? What if snow terrifies you beyond all belief? What if snow killed your family? WHAT CAN YOU DO THEN?

Well, luckily help is at hand courtesy of the excellent Mr. Michael Whaite. Mike, as the more attentive among you might recall, is the frankly brilliant animator who worked with us on the pilot episode for our Carrotty Kid cartoon, which was bloody ace. And so is he.

Well, now Mike has come up with Snowfun, a brilliant way for you (yes, YOU) to build yourself a snowman online, without having to ever leave the warmth and comfort of your home, and without that annoyance of getting frostbite and DYING.

We here at The Best Bit of the Internet think Snowfun is cocking well fab. For example, we spent far too much time messing around with it earlier, to create these two lovely, snowy tributes to our very own Lord Likely, and his man-servant, Botter. BEHOLD:

Ah-hahaha! Boy, we are so funny.

If you think you're anywhere near as hilarious as we are, then...well, you're wrong, obviously. I mean look, we did a snowman pissing on another snowman! THAT'S FUCKING FUNNY! Still, if you insist that you too can make excellent virtual snowmen, then head on over to Snowfun, peruse the gallery and then put your gloves on and get building!

Feel free to share any of your doubtless hideous creations with us here, or by e-mailing us at andy fanton at google mail dot com

Have fun, you crazy kids. And wrap up warm.

- Mr. Andy Fanton.

Suck My Hollywood: Shove Your Pen Up Your Ass

2007-11-03T18:08:00.000-07:00

So, the Writers Guild of America has called for strike action by its 12,000 members this Monday, all because they think writers should get more money or some such shit.

Fucking writers.

I've had nothing but fucking trouble with these pencil-dicked pen-pushers. I remember back in 1993, having a really rough fucking time trying to get a writer to stick to my vision for a movie I had greenlit called Tank vs Tank. It was an idea put to me by my good friend and fellow producer LeonHeimlich, about a crazed Soviet agent trashing downtown New York with a big, fuckin' tank. The only guy who could stop this crazy Commie was a US tank commander called Karl Tank, a bad-ass with a dark past and an addiction to crack cocaine. Cue lots of spectacular tank chases, shit blowin' up and Karl Tank fuckin' some chick on the roof of his tank. It was a license to print money, as far as I was concerned.

So, I sent the synopsis to this fresh, new writer called Teddy Lunge, who had just written an Oscar-nominated screenplay for a film called I Dream of Lenin for the Wankblast Brothers. I had heard good things about this kid.

I had been badly misled. The next day, I get a phone call from Lunge, who's going out of his mind. He moans at me for a good half an hour, saying he thinks that Karl Tank is "underwritten" and has no real depth to him.

"Depth?" I snorted down the phone. "If I wanted depth, I'd stick my dick in your mom's pussy! 'Depth?' I mean, what the fuck is wrong with you? It's a fucking popcorn flick, man."

"But I don't get the whole deal with the Soviet agent," this little shit wails on. "Why is he going on this rampage? He seems to be a simple stereotype, a cypher. He's nothing more than a blank screen for you to project some anti-Russian rhetoric."

"For fuck's sake, kid, did you shove a fuckin' dictionary up your ass or somethin'? Listen, I don't know what you're whinin' on about, but I will tell you this - all I want is a shit-load of explosions, some fucking kick-ass quips and maybe a comedy Irish cop. You'll fuckin' write what I fuckin' want, kid, if you wanna stay in the business."

Lunge hangs up and then a couple of days later I get a fucking gay-ass letter saying that he's bowing out of the project, citing 'creative differences.'

Yeah. Creative differences. The difference being, I'm a white-hot volcano of liquid creativity, and he's a fucking dick.

Anyway, I passed the project on to one of my regular guys, who turns in a fan-fucking-tastic script, (man, the line "Tanks for nothing!" still makes me piss my pants), and the film goes on to do stellar business at the Box Office. And where's Ted Lunge? Probably dead or something, I'd guess.

So fuck writers. If they wanna get a bigger slice of the profit, they gotta stop fuckin' whining all the goddamn time and do some actual fucking writin' for once.

And they gotta stop doubting my fucking genius.

- Vic Gallium.

The Best Advice: Making Money

2007-10-25T18:22:00.000-07:00

The Best Bit of the Internet Presents:

THE BEST ADVICE

1. Making a Shitload of Money on the Internet

Yeah, you've heard it all before. You've probably all read John Chow, or Problogger or any of the other countless blogs and sites all offering you fail-safe advice on how to find your riches in the virtual hills of the internet.

Well forget them. Those guys? Pfffft. They don't know their assholes from their SEOs. Luckily, The Best Bit of the Internet is on hand with REAL advice on how to make those big bucks. Trust us, we know what we're talking about. We all have solid-gold trousers on, and drink champagne from glass slippers all day. SO LISTEN UP!

Step One: FORGET CONTENT! Dullards often say, 'Hey! If you write consistently good, well-written content, people will find it and you will soon rake in the cash!'

WRONG!

People don't have a clue. People know SHIT. People pay good money to watch Rob Schneider movies, or to go to James Blunt concerts. People are STUPID. Don't try to pander to some imagined army of rich intellectuals trawling the internet for a good read, eager to reward the author with cash money. They don't exist. All the really clever people are out getting drunk on yachts, not reading your bloody blog. Remember that.

So, always just write the bare minimum. Don't put too much thought into the content, because your readers won't want to think too much. They'll more than likely have stumbled across your site by accident anyway, looking for nude pictures of some big-titted bint from Heroes, or something. Which brings us on to step two...

Step Two: SEX SELLS! Fact: the internet was invented solely as a means of sharing pornography. Al Gore made the internet back in 1993, when he desperately wanted a wank but had left his copy of Hairy Dairy back in the office. Luckily, Bill Clinton had two copies, so he posted one to Al by express mail. As Al spanked himself silly over the pictures of farmers fucking, he thought that it would be 'really neat' if people could send each other porn really quickly by computer. Thus, the internet was born. True story, look it up.

Now, you can either ignore this fact, and pretend the internet was made to 'link people together', or 'to share information' or whatever other bollocks people say to fool themselves.

OR: you can embrace the truth, and cater for the largest audience on the net - the hairy-palmed virgins desperate to see a bit of tit. Usually, illustrating your post with a semi-clad female will do the trick.

Hear that sound? That's the sound of hundreds of sweaty-browed teenage boys hitting your website!

You don't even have to use pictures, if you're the prudish type. A few liberally-placed references to sexual organs or fucking throughout your site will get you more unsuspecting readers. A cock here, a pair of big, bouncy boobies there, a woman with a dick in her mouth there, and you're away. All you have to do now is get the sudden influx of readers to click on your ads and make you some dough. Talking of which...

Step Three: SELL YOUR ARSE OFF! Don't be timid about fully embracing the seedy world of click-thru adverts, affiliates, banners and other such shit. Hey, you want to make money, don't you? SO GO AND MAKE SOME!

Plaster your blog with gaudy adverts and flashing banners and spinning graphics. Don't stop until your blog looks like a billboard designed by coked-up junkies, leaving your disoriented readers with little option to click on one of the ads in the absence of any non-advertising space. And hey - don't feel guilty or dirty, you are on the internet, now. Your soul disappeared a long time ago. ADVERTISE AWAY!

Step Four: Drink Diet Coke. Buy an XBox 360. Treat yourself to a delicious bucket of KFC! Watch Heroes. Click here to buy more stuff! CONSUME!

Step Five: failing the above, simply set up a blog dispensing vague but important-sounding advice about how to make money online. Post a picture of yourself looking ridiculously smug and knowledgeable, so people will trust you. Also, a picture of a fast car of shiny pants will make you look really swish and stinking rich. Re-write the same article every few weeks, pepper your posts with affiliate links, fill every nook and cranny with ads and sponsors and watch the money roll in.

Congratulations! You are now officially a rich bastard. WELL DONE!

- by Andy Fanton, CEO of LookAtAllMyCash.com

Suck My Hollywood: What the Fuck is Wrong with Cuba Gooding Jr?

2007-10-02T10:12:00.000-07:00

Once every two months, my ex-wife and all-round bitch Loretta lets me spend a weekend with our son, 8 year-old Tad.

Tad is a really good fucking kid, who is already just fucking nuts about movies. The little son-of-a-bitch is gonna grow up to be a sexy, Hollywood super-producer just like his dad, I swear.

So, last weekend I took Tad to see that fucking Daddy Day Camp, a sequel of sorts to that shitty Eddie Murphy flick, Daddy Day Care. It was a piece of shit movie, predictable and stupid and just...well, shit. Even Tad said it was, "more painful than a fissure in the ass." (He's a bright kid, is Tad). Daddy Day Camp marks the umpteenth consecutive crappy role for Cuba Gooding Jr, who's career seems to have gone down the toilet quicker than Godzilla's first shit of the day.

I mean, what the fuck is wrong with Cuba Gooding Jr, anyway? Since picking up an Oscar for his performance in Jerry Maguire, the asshole has churned out dud after dud after dud. He did that crappy gay boat film, that one where he has some fucking huskies, and that fucking Eddie Murphy crap-fest Norbit. (Murphy's another asshole who seems to make more shit than a thousand diarrheatic camels). I mean, c'mon! Does the guy ever bother to read the fucking scripts he gets sent? Does he just love making shitty movies? Or was he just a dick all along, and no-one noticed before?

I remember the time I offered him a role in my 1998 blockbuster Crankshaft. He turned down the part of 'second mechanic in cafeteria' because he wanted to play "more substantial, significant roles". Shortly afterwards, the asshole appeared in that God-awful Robin Williams picture (another asshole, by the way), What Dreams May Come. I had the last laugh though, when Crankshaft fucking buried that sappy piece of shit at the box office.

Still, I'm not one to hold a grudge, and if Cuba Gooding Jr ever wants to appear in a movie that isn't a heap of fucking shit, I'll gladly offer him another part. Otherwise, he should stick to making shit, and hand his Oscar back to the Academy, or shove it up his own stupid ass.

- Vic Gallium.

For more from Vic Gallium, click here.

The Best is Back!

2007-09-21T06:49:00.000-07:00

Hello, and welcome back to The Best Bit of the Internet!

Yes, like a sexy phoenix from the flames, The Best Bit of the Internet has risen once more, nearly two months after being shot dead by trained assassins.

With so many (fucking BRILLIANT) ideas bubbling away in our collective heads, we here at Crazy Kids Productions (that's us) decided that rather than constantly making new blogs and sites for everything (only for them to then go unattended for months when we get bored of the idea), we'd much rather just reinstate The Best Bit of the Internet to house them all again, under one roof. ONE REALLY EXCELLENT ROOF!

Just below this post (probably one of the BEST posts you've ever read, right?) you'll find new Anthology of Awful, Take Life From Behind, and Carrotty Kid; as well as all-new additions to the Best Bit roster, like Stink Crescent Meadows, Suck My Hollywood and The Shits O'Clock News.

Bloody hell, there's some good stuff right there.

So: we're back. Keep watching this very space for more best bits - and tell your friends that The Best Bit of the Internet is back, back, BACK!

HOORAY!

- Fanton.

The Carrotty Kid: Cobbzilla - The Animation!

2007-09-21T06:48:00.000-07:00

Hey, best buddies!

Regular followers of The Best Bit of the Internet may have heard us go on about our web-comic The Carrotty Kid, and may well have seen the fantastic pilot episode (and then pooped yourself with delight), but now we present to you more animated carrot fun, with the carrotty cartoon we call 'Cobbzilla', once again animated by the supremely delicious Mike Whaite.

Click the image below to enjoy the first part of this cartoon EPIC - and enjoy!

For more Carrotty Kid, skip on over to his website at www.thecarrottykid.co.uk - or TASTE the PAIN.

- Fanton.

Suck My Hollywood: Son of a Pitch

2007-09-21T05:20:00.001-07:00

There's an old saying in Hollywood - "If you're gonna fuck a chick, make sure sure she has no dick." Which is real good goddamn advice, but that's not what I wanna talk about today.

The old saying I'm talking about is this: "If you wanna get rich, learn how to pitch". This is abso-fucking-lutely true.

In this town, you can have the best fucking idea for a movie ever, but if you can't present it to some suited-up cunt in the boardroom, then you're fucked. Learning to pitch your idea in a way that makes anyone who hears it instantly cum in their pants is the key to success in Hollywood.

I've been pitching shit for years now, ever since I was a wide-eyed kid trying to break into the industry. I can still remember my first successful pitch back in the Eighties, when I pitched the idea for Kick Doctor to the head of Felch Films, Jeff Spazzmeyer. "He's a doctor," I said, "and he knows martial arts. He gets fed up of tending to the victims of a gang war in his city, so he goes out to kick some butt and sort shit out. It's General Hospital meets Kung-Fu! It's Quincy meets Enter the Dragon! He's taking prescriptions - and dishing out PAIN!"

Well, Spazzmeyer couldn't get his check book out quick enough, and soon we had my first blockbuster hit, taking a cool $76 million at the Box Office. I had fucking arrived, and it was all thanks to pitching my ass off like a motherfucker.

I may not be so young any more (but I'm still fucking shit-hot sexy), but I haven't lost my pitching skills. Only last week I successfully pitched an idea for a new action flick called Gutbuster, to the heads of Pissflap Pictures. "Terrorists have found a way to shrink themselves down to a microscopic size." I said, excitedly. "A whole bunch of them get themselves injected into the President's backside, and are threatening to explode the President from within unless their crazy demands are met. Only one ex-marine, John Muffdiver, is willing to get himself shrunk down and inserted into the President's ass to take on these terrorist scum. It's Innerspace meets Commando - Muffdiver's beating the shit out of terrorists, and beating the terrorists out of the shit. He's kicking ass inside an ass!"

Pissflap promptly bought the idea, and hope to fast-track this bad boy for a spring 2008 release, with Vin Diesel to star.

I've still fucking got it, cocksuckers.

- Vic Gallium.

Ray the Otter - Kitty

2007-09-21T05:19:00.000-07:00

i done a comic and Ray the Otter are © Stu Munro 2007.

For a whole bunch more Ray, visit i done a comic today!

The Shits O'Clock News: Opinion Box

2007-09-21T05:17:00.000-07:00

The Shits O'Clock News Opinion Box

The recent suicide attempt by Zoolander and Royal Tenenbaums star Owen Wilson is obviously a terrible and tragic event, but what do YOU think about it? The Shits O'Clock News hit the streets to find out.

"It's a cocking disgrace," said Mr. Marty Fuck, a dick polisher from Verwood in Dorset. "Why did it have to be poor Owen Wilson? He is brilliant, and has a fantastic wonky nose. Why couldn't it have been someone shit, like Rob Schneider or Martin Lawrence? It's fucking crazy."

This statement was echoed by a Miss Lucy Plops, of Birmingham. "A cunt like Vinnie Jones or the Wayans brothers should have been in that hospital now, driven to slashing their wrists in the realisation that they do nothing but inflict utterly shit movies on the movie-going public. Owen Wilson is too ace to be there."

Owen Wilson - 'excellent'.

"If there was any justice in the world, Jude Law would have not only overdosed on drugs, but then ran onto some train tracks and exploded under the wheels of an oncoming freight train. It definitely should not have been Owen Wilson, who is brill," said Mr. Alan Mirkin, a horse fucker from Somerset.

"I cannot believe that Kate Hudson ditched Owen for Dax Shepard, who is the very definition of wank," Mr. Kenneth Hedgerow, a retired rapist from London told Opinion Box. "Did you see Employee of the Month? Absolute toss. He should have sucked an exhaust pipe the moment he signed up for Without A Paddle."

So, there you have it, the Great British public have spoken, and what do they say?

Owen Wilson is fucking excellent. Join in the discussion today, in the comments section.

- Report filed by Sir Renchard Likely

Suck My Hollywood: FUCK Hollywood

2007-09-21T05:16:00.000-07:00

Fuck Hollywood.

Yeah, that's right. That's what I said. Fuck Hollywood. Hey, that's what I do, each and every motherfuckin' day. I take Hollywood, lift up Hollywood's skirt, pull down Hollywood's panties and fuck it hard on my desk. And I don't stop fuckin' until Hollywood is my fuckin' BITCH.

Hey, you don't like it? Then fuck you too.

I'm Vic Gallium, Hollywood super-producer. You all know the name. You know when people say, "Yo! He's the man!" Well, I'm the motherfuckin' man they're talkin' about. Me. I'm THE man. The man behind such big-cocked, huge-balled movies as Jet Cops, Bent Steel, Tank vs Tank, Shoot First (and it's sequel, Shoot Second), Punching Hard, Kick Doctor, Crankshaft and Double Barreled Bastard - all of which have netted a shit-kickin' $3.5 billion dollars at the box office. So yeah, damn fuckin' straight I'm the man.

Over the next few weeks or months or however fuckin' long I keep this shit going, I'll be taking you all behind the scenes of movie land. I'll be liftin' up Hollywood's skirt so you can all get a good look at her crudded up pussy. So hang on to your hats, guys - it's gonna be one Hell of a motherfuckin' ride.

Later.

- Vic Gallium.

Stink Crescent Meadows: How's The Kids?

2007-09-21T05:14:00.000-07:00

How's The Kids?

The Shits O'Clock News: Wanker Walks Free

2007-09-21T05:10:00.000-07:00

London, UK

A blunder by the stupid fucking police force has allowed part-time rocker and full-time twatstick Pete Doherty to walk free, after having been arrested on suspected drug offences on Monday.

Dickwad Doherty, 28, singer with such shitty bands as the Libertines and Babyshambles, was arrested Monday after performing at the V Festival, but the charge of breaching conditional bail was dropped after police failed to produce Doherty before court within the 24 hour time period. The useless twats.

Pete Doherty, probably off his face on sherbert, or something.

In a statement, Metropolitan Police confessed they had made an error. "Yeah, we fucked it up," a spokesman told the press. "We could have put that tedious little cunt Pete Doherty away, but as we are a bunch of fucking retards, we sort of forgot we had to get him in front of a court within 24 hours. Boy, are our faces red!"

There is still hope, however, as waste of skin Doherty is still waiting to be charged on previous accounts of drugs and driving offences, so we might yet see the moon-faced cock-knocker locked up.

Report filed by our showbiz editor, Matthew Matthews

Take Life From Behind : Two Steps Forward

2007-09-21T05:06:00.000-07:00

Think about this, friends. Only a short while ago you were in bed, not standing, and not at all ready to take on life.

Now look at you! You're out of that bed, and completely stood up, ready to look life in the face and scream, "I am coming to get you, life!"

That's great. It really is. Now onto the next part of my program - it's time to get moving!

It's all very well being awake and out of bed, standing up vertically on your own two feet. But all that means approximately diddley-squat if you're not prepared to go anywhere. So, let's stop standing still, and start not standing still.

It's a harsh fact of life, but a lot of people can spend their entire lives standing still and not moving, which is fine if you're a living statue or artist's model, but otherwise it is NOT FINE. No one got anywhere standing still and not moving, you know. And that, my friends, is cast-iron, stone-clad scientific FACT.

So, here is what I want you to do. I want you to move your feet. Not at the same time - that's later, in the chapter entitled 'Jumping to Success!'. No, all you need do now is move one foot, and then the other, in a forwards direction. Not backwards, or sidewards. FORWARDS. Forwards is the direction you need to go. Remember that.

Feel that? That's you, taking two steps forward. Two steps nearer to a NEW YOU, a NEW LIFE, NEW OPPORTUNITIES and also nearer to your BEDROOM DOOR.

Feels good, doesn't it? Tell me how good it feels by calling my Feel Good Foneline on 08000 IFEELGOOD. Calls cost $4.50 per minute.

Well, enjoy taking your first, tentative steps to success. Be sure to join me again real soon, as we prepare to TAKE LIFE FROM BEHIND!

See ya!

- Dan Bobbins.

Anthology of Awful: Terror Tree

2007-09-21T05:04:00.000-07:00

Trees.

They are our giant, wooden friends, providing us with the very air we breathe, our shelter and our firewood. There is nothing at all BAD about trees, is there?

Or is there?

For Janet Hotpoint, a housewife from Dorchester, a tree was to prove to be something altogether more sinister...

Janet Hotpoint was a receptionist at a busy PR firm, a job which kept her terribly busy during the day, and which left here exhausted by the time the evening set in. Suffice to say, Miss Hotpoint was eager to collapse into her bed after a hard day's receptioning, and drift off to a peaceful slumber.

On this occasion, however, peaceful was the very thing her slumber would not be. For, at around midnight, she was suddenly awoken by a tapping upon the bedroom window.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Janet Hotpoint sat bolt upright, her heart pounding in her chest. What was that awful noise? Was there someone at her window, trying to break in? Was it a phantom, trying to drive her from her home? Or, worse still, could it be a murderous, zombie woodpecker, attempting to break in and feast on her flesh?

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Janet Hotpoint began to panic, her mind racing with awful thoughts. What was that noise?

Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.

The noise was occurring more frequently now, building to a frantic cacophony as if someone - or something - was desperately trying to gain entrance.

Taptaptaptaptaptaptaptap.

Janet flung back her duvet, and picked up a baseball bat next to her bed. The bat had been a gift from an ex-boyfriend, despite the fact she hated the game and had not expressed any interest in learning the sport. Now, however, she was grateful for it, as she grasped it firmly with both hands and advanced towards the window, ready to smash in the face of whatever demonic entity was trying to force entry into her bedroom.

Taptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptap.

Janet Hotpoint braced herself as she neared the source of the terrifying taping. She took a deep breath, held the bat up, and flung open the curtains.

She gasped.

There, on the other side of the window, was a tree. Just a tree.

Just a tree?

For Janet Hotpoint, there was no such thing as 'just a tree', for she suffered from dendrophobia, a crippling fear of trees. As the tree continued to sway in the breeze, its long, dark branches reaching out and tapping the glass of the window, Janet screamed, turned and ran from her room in terror.

She never did venture back into her room, until she got the tree cut down a week later by a gardener. But some nights, when she was alone in the dark, she could swear that she could still the gnarled form of that tree, clawing at the window with it's fearsome wooden fingers....

A fear of trees? You may scoff, dear reader, but fear can take many forms. Some people are even afraid of words...

Sleep well, dear readers...if you can.

Hahahahahahaahahahahaha!

- The Book-Keeper.

The Shits' O Clock News: Breaking Wind

2007-09-21T05:00:00.000-07:00

Jamaica, the Americas.

Jamaica is bracing itself for the onslaught of Hurricane Dean, as the big fucking storm heads straight towards the Caribbean.

The country is on full alert as the 145 mph winds advance onwards from the Caribbean Sea, having already ravaged parts of the Eastern Caribbean, blowing shit over, smashing stuff and generally causing a right fucking mess.

A woman prepares herself for the oncoming storm, by putting up her umbrella.

Meteorologists are helpfully warning that the hurricane, due to strike in the next few hours, could be "potentially catastrophic", as opposed to one of those fucking hurricanes which are "potentially lovely and nice."

The US is also on full alert and standing by, ready to fly in aid when the storm strikes, "if necessary". How they define "necessary" is not yet clear, but from the shitty, slow response to Hurricane Katrina two years ago, Jamaican authorities are not holding their breath.

Hurricane Dean - probably named after Eastenders' star Dean Gaffney - was unavailable for comment. The big, windy bastard.

- Report filed by our Weather Reporter, Sonny Skies.

The Shits' O Clock News: US Cut Rates or Something

2007-09-21T04:57:00.000-07:00

New York, USA

Economies worldwide showed signs of recovery this morning, following the cock-awful stock market crash on Thursday which saw billions of dollars wiped off of share prices, causing many rich cunts to drop their cigars in horror, and leading to some even spurting out a mouthful of champagne, as they saw their shares tumble to the ground like a whore's knickers.

In order to reverse the decline of that terrible day - now known as 'Shit Thursday' by traders - the US Federal Reserve cut the rate at which it lends to commercial banks, or some such shit that we don't fully understand, to be honest.

Whatever the fuck they did, it seemed to help, and the 0.5% cut saw shares open higher in Wall Street, London and across Europe.

Some bastard looking like someone shat in his sandwich.

"I'm fucking relieved," one stock market trader told the Shits O'Clock News. "I was about ready to jump out of a fucking window. But now, I won't have to. I probably wouldn't have anyway, as this suit is quite expensive."

Miserable cunt analysts warn that the markets are from stable yet, and that recent turmoil could yet be resumed, or have a further effect on national economies.

"I'm fucking warning you," said one analyst.

In other news: Chocolate manufacturers Cadburys are set to reintroduce Wispa chocolate bars to UK shops, following tremendous online support from thousands of fat bastards on the internet.

- Report filed by our business correspondent, Halifax Card.

Closing For Business

2007-08-07T17:16:00.000-07:00

Bad news, everybody!

The Best Bit of the Internet is to be no more, as we have been bought out by a ~~sinister, clandestine~~ lovely new corporation called gaup enterprises, inc., an organisation which ~~allegedly~~ definitely produces some of the finest comedy blogs on the internet.

As they snap up us, Lord Likely, i done a comic and The Carrotty Kid, in their eagerness to hold a monopoly on all laughter ever, we have been told that we will be closed down, to make way for their own blog here.

Obviously this is terrible news, but apparently all the old stuff you loved (or hated) will now be available through their website, so you can still be guaranteed to get yer chuckles there.

So, we're done for. We'd just like to thank you all for humouring us as we humour you, and before we go we'd just like to take a moment to say something to our new owners: you're a bunch of complete and utter (post terminated by gaup enterprises, inc.)

Movie Review: The Simpsons Movie

2007-07-24T18:19:00.000-07:00

The Simpsons Movie, Cert. PG, 87 minutes, dir: David Silverman.

The Simpsons finally make the leap to the silver screen...or should that be the YELLOW screen (as they are yellow)?

No, you're probably right.

Anyway, The Simpsons Movie is here at last, is the general gist of what I'm trying to say, and happily I can also add to that the following: it's good. Very good.

When Lake Springfield's levels of pollution reach alarmingly dangerous heights, Springield is put on 'Code Black' . ("Code black? Oh, man. Black's the worst colour," says Lennny, before turning to Karl and adding, "...no offence.") This means that the lake is out of bounds as a dumping ground for the town's inhabitants, but of course, while the townsfolk adhere to this new rule, it only takes one certain Homer J. Simpson to shun the new rule, leaving Springfield to be ruled as an environmental danger and placed under a large dome....cue antics.

This film is a slender 87 minutes long, and rolls along at a fair old pace, never once letting up with it's barrage of visual comedy (especially Bart's nude skateboarding scene), well-written gags, satire and downright stupidity. While it is true to say that it does pretty much feel like a feature-length episode, it's a GOOD full-length episode, thanks to the writers being largely those responsible for penning the show during it's 'golden period', as opposed to those pushing the pens as it gradually declined. So, we get a more emotional story, with a strong, family theme, as opposed to a wacky 'What'll Homer do next???'- type tale that has plagued the later series'. Although, having said that, he does get up to plenty of ker-azy shenanigans.

The animation is excellent, largely eschewing fancy CGI for the rough-and-ready 2D style of the TV series, occasionally enlivened with some 3D effects in a manner similar to Futurama. It looks lovely, and is never overbearing or poorly executed.

The film is not perfect, however and some characters - such as Lisa's love interest - seem superfluous, but then again creator Matt Groening has hinted that events in the film will lead into the next season of the show, so maybe more will become of them then. Also, some of the supporting cast are rather noticeable by their absence. Mr. Burns, for example, is not used as much as I'd have liked, but with such an extensive repertoire of minor players to choose from, there's always going to be someone's favourite who has been sidelined.

Overall then, this does pretty much exactly what you'd expect from a Simpsons Movie: it's The Simpsons, in a movie, and it's top-quality Simpsons at that, with many genuine laugh-out-loud moments. If the movie is anything to go by, The Simpsons have rediscovered their mojo, which is good news for the future of the series.

Best Bit of the Internet Rate-O-Matic: 8/10.

The Best Bit of the Internet reserves the right to change our opinions after further views of the movie, or if it seems everyone else disagrees, and we decide to change our mind to fit in better with the cool kids.

The Carrotty Kid Returns With A Vengance Again

2007-07-23T19:37:00.000-07:00

Hello!

Crazy Kids Productions is proud(ish) to unleash the all-new, all-singing, all-karate-ing Carrotty Kid website onto the internet.

Click the banner below for a fine selection of kung-fu comics, games and cartoons.

We hope you get a KICK out of it. Hahaha! Kick.

i done a comic: Fanton and I

2007-05-15T13:16:00.000-07:00

The Life Moronic: Will the Real MandMs please stand up?

2007-05-09T16:41:00.000-07:00

Good evening.

Something very upsetting has happened.

While recently shopping for chocolatey treats I purchased a packet of MandMs. Upon arriving home I noticed they had been labeled "Choco MandMs". Choco? Since when was a superfluous prefix needed? MandMs have always been chocolate! The colour of the packaging denoted the original or the peanut variant.

It's my belief that the Peanut addition of the MandM brand has become so popular that they have eclipsed the original to become the default MandM. This situation has to be rectified. What next? Will they rename the original KitKat "KitKat Small"?

This is entirely the fault of Wispa Gold. In the early 90s, Wispa introduced a new variety of thier bubbly bar with a caramel filling. The success of this paved the way for Wispa Mint. Aero was soon to follow with Orange and then Mint. The success of bastardising the brand led to the eventual introduction of the almighty KitKat Chunky. The king of bastardised brands.

Now you can hardly find an original brand, with variants of Dairy Milk filling the shelves so much that Dairy Milk itself has become a brand within a brand (Dairy Milk Biscuit anyone?). Curly Wurly has been broken into bits, Toffee Crisp has become a bag of gooey CoCo Pops and even the once mighty Flake has become coated in an outer layer and thus no longer... Flakes.

Smarties Ice Cream, Mars Drink, Malteasers Light, Rolo Bar, Galaxy Caramel Cadbury's Creme Egg Bar (which totally ruins the concept of being an egg), Mars Bars have become Revels and Kinder Eggs without the egg or toy. What the Hell is going on? Stop ruining sweets!

Has nothing evaded being mutated into something new? Enter the simple Finger Of Fudge. Applaud it's simplicity and loyalty to it's original form.

The irony of all this is that Wispa, the brand that put all this in motion, is no more and every other attempt to expand MandMs has subsequently failed. As Space Ghost used to say "There's a lesson here somewhere..."

And don't get me started on Diet Coke with Lemon.

i done a comic: Natural Born Kittens

2007-05-09T16:32:00.000-07:00

From the bowels of i done a comic.

i done a comic: Last Action Neighbours

2007-05-05T12:31:00.000-07:00

Popmash: Mr. Benn-y Hill

2007-05-01T03:46:00.000-07:00

Watch this, laugh, repeat:

Enjoy more Popmashing over at the all-new, all-singing, all-dancing, all-mashing Popmash site!

Go there, NOW!

The Awardies - Get Nominated!

2007-04-25T06:49:00.001-07:00

Hello and welcome to The Awardies! I'm your host, Trip Tingleton!

What are The Awardies, you say?

Weeeell, let me explain.

The Awardies are an all-new award handed out to anyone, for anything...at all!

That's right! YOU could be an Awardie award winner for doing...whatever! You don't have to be the world's greatest actor, or the world's fastest runner...you win by just being you!

Isn't that FABULOUS?

To enter The Awardies, all you have to do is leave a comment on this post (you do not have to be a Blogger member), stating who you are, a link to your website or blog and then we'll take a look and decide what you should get an award for, unless you have your own suggestion. And that's it!

All our winners win a BEAUTIFUL picture of an Awardie, with their name and award-winning talent (or lack thereof) written proudly upon it, to place on your very own blog, or MySpace, or Facebook, or website. Or you could even print it out and super-glue it to your face. Here's an example below:
BEAUTIFUL, isn't it? As beautiful as a beautiful rose, held in the beak of a beautiful swan. Winners also recieve a wondeful write up on this very site, detailing their astonishing acievement and also giving YOU some free promotion (including a permanent link to your website/blog) for whatever web-based endeavour you are undertaking.

Isn't that WONDERFUL?

All this could be yours if you nominate yourself - or a friend or complete stranger - for an Awardie Award - today!!

I'm Trip Tingleton, and you've been a SUPER audience.

See you soon...at our first ever Awardies Award Ceremony!

BYEEEE!!!!

Trip xx

Ray The Otter: Sucks

2007-04-24T05:07:00.000-07:00

Jet Pets: Red Alert

2007-04-18T08:29:00.000-07:00

From the makers of The Carrotty Kid comes an all-new, out-of-this-world comic strip...Jet Pets, in their dazzling debut adventure, Red Alert.

To see the full-size strip, just click on the condensed version above. For more information about the Jet Pets, click HERE.

And remember, in space, no-one can hear you BARK.

Anthology of Awful: The Cookie Crumbles

2007-04-12T06:59:00.000-07:00

Cookies.

We all love cookies, don't we? Yummy cookies. Yum yum yum yum. Yummy yummy cookies!

Or do we?

For Jonathan Petridish, the humble cookie was far from being a satisfying snack, instead leaving him traumatised for the rest of his life.

Jonathan Petridish worked full-time as a human resources manager at a large insurance firm. It was a job he didn't particularly enjoy, except for the half hour break he got mid-morning which he looked forward to with fevered excitement.

On one such break, Jonathan Petridish decided to enjoy a cup of tea and a couple of cookies, while he took some time out to fill in a crossword puzzle in the newspaper.

Nothing wrong with that, was there?

So you would think. But the tea plus cookie plus crossword equation was to prove to be Jonathan's undoing.

While puzzling over the clue for twelve across in his crossword, Jonathan Petridish decided to dunk his cookie in his tea.

Cookies are normally quite resilient to dunking, and hold their form far better than your common or garden Rich Tea, or Digestive biscuits. But so preoccupied with the crossword was Jonathan Petridish, that he left the cookie dunked in his tea for slightly too long.

Then it happened.

The cookie, now soggy with tea, broke apart, crumbling into poor Jonathan Petridish's tea.

Jonathan heard the gentle splash as the biscuit collapsed into his drink, but it was too late. Not only had Jonathan Petridish lost half a cookie, but by now his delicious cup of tea was ruined as well, awash with tiny, squelchy chunks of cookie.

Jonathan Petridish cursed himself loudly. Then, to add further insult to biscuit-based injury, Jonathan realised that his break was now over, so he could not even make himself a fresh cup of tea.

Thirsty, hungry and dejected, Jonathan Petridish left the staff-room and returned to work, having had his break well and truly ruined by the humble cookie. He never did find out what the answer to twelve across was, that fiendish crossword clue that had played such an important role in this whole, terrible tragedy.

The cryptic clue read, "12 across: This biscuit will save you on the internet."

Do you know what the answer was, dear reader? Are you ready for the big, chilling reveal?

The answer was...cookie.

A desperate warning to Jonathan Petridish, sent by unknown forces from the other side to warn Jonathan about his imminent cookie-related calamity, or a mere coincidence?

You decide.

Sleep well, readers. If you can!

- The Book-Keepr.

The Carrotty Kid: The Pilot Episode

2007-04-11T07:55:00.000-07:00

Full-time followers of our web-based wonders will already be familiar with The Carrotty Kid, our semi-regular webcomic about a kung-fu fighting carrot.

For those of you new to all of this, go check it out, and we'll wait here for you.

Done? Good. Now, behold the awesome animated adventure starring the carrotty one, as developed by us and Cosgrove Hall Films, and animated by the ever wonderful Michael Whaite.

LOOK AT IT NOW:

We hope you think it is the BEST thing you have ever seen. Now tell your friends. And your enemies, because then they'll become your friends too as it's so wonderous.

Will this herald a regular series starring CK, on your telly screens? Who knows. But it's still ace.

Matt For It: Jesus Christ, It's Jesus Christ!

2007-04-09T08:11:00.000-07:00

TELEVISION bosses have unveiled plans for a brand-new reality TV show, where a panel of judges will scour the country to find the next Jesus Christ.

Search For A Saviour will begin airing this summer on ITV1, and has the hopes of the network riding upon it.

"The recent glut of reality shows searching for new leads in West End musicals, such as How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria, Grease Is The Word and Any Dream Will Do have proven to be ratings winners. By delivering the ultimate reality show, wherein we try to find the next Jesus Christ, we are confident we will finally win the Saturday night ratings war," an ITV spokeswoman told Matt For It.

Jesus...Christ

Search For A Savior will feature thousands of hopeful, would-be Messiahs auditioning in front of a tough panel, where they must demonstrate their proficiency in parable telling, performing miracles and being holy. The lucky few who get past the initial stage will then proceed to a Christ Boot Camp, where they will hone their skills before the final test: a live crucifixion in front of a studio audience. The person who resurrects themselves first, thus demonstrating their power over life and death and ability to thereby grant eternal life to all those who follow His teachings, will be declared the winner and will receive ten thousand pounds, a contract with God Almighty and a framed certificate.

The panel of judges will include the current head of the Catholic Church, Pope Benedict XVI, the Archbishop of Canterbury, religious scholar Elaine Pagels and pop impresario Louis Walsh.

- Matt X

Popmash Presents: Stayin' Alive

2007-04-02T20:13:00.000-07:00

It's Easter soon, so what better way to celebrate than by watching a lovely, Easter-themed cartoon?

Like this one:

Made by Mike Whaite, he who made all the pretty pictures move in our very own Carrotty Kid pilot episode. He be a ruddy genius, I tell you.

More Popmash fun: HERE.

Stand Up And Be Standing, with Dan Bobbins.

2007-03-31T08:07:00.000-07:00

So, you've woken up to life, at last?

Well done!

Now you're ready to move on to step two of my program - Stand Up And Be Standing!

It's all very well being awake, but being awake and horizontal will do you no favours at ALL. No-one got anywhere being awake and horizontal, apart from my third wife Maria and prostitutes.

You're not a prostitute, are you?

Of course not.

So, it's time you took a stand, and said, "I'm not going to stand for all this not-standing any more! I'm going to make a stand, and stand up for what I believe in, which is standing up!"

Now, grab life by the shoulders, and haul yourself up out of the bed, until you are completely vertical. Not half-vertical, or leaning at an angle of 35 degrees. No: you've gotta be 100%, completely and utterly standing up vertically.

For more help with standing up, phone my hot-line now to order my book and DVD, 'Making a Stand And Taking A Chance'. Just dial 0800 BOBBINS HELPLINE - RIGHT AWAY!

Okay, see you next time for the next stage of my award-winning program: 'Two Steps Forward, No Steps Back'.

Bye!

- Dan Bobbins.

Dan Bobbins is one of America's top motivational speakers and self-help gurus, who's clients have included US President George W Bush, murderous GP Dr. Harold Shipman, renowned serial killer Ted Bundy, Ugandan dictator and mass-murderer Idi Amin and top movie star Corey Feldman. Bobbins has also written many top-selling books, including 'Kick the Crap Out of Yourself', 'Finding Your Inner Child and Sending Him To Bed With No Supper' and 'Pulling Our Fingers Out of Our Souls'.

Dan Bobbins lives in LA with his fifth wife, Alicia.

Anthology of Awful: Restroom In Peace, Jeremy

2007-03-29T19:47:00.000-07:00

Toilets.

We all like to use them, to dispose of our effluence that would otherwise mount up around our ears, don't we?

Or do we?

For Jeremy Pinecone, one simple trip to the lavatory almost wound up being a trip...to HELL.

Jeremy Pinecone (age 23, but that is of little to no relevance to the following tale) had been enjoying a nice night out with friends. They had drank beers together, watched a stripper, punched out a couple of headlights and gone for a curry at their local French-Indian restaurant, The Taj Mange-All.

Ravished after a hard night's leering and shouting, the friends ordered a plentiful spread of food, and gorged upon it hungrily.

For Jeremy Pinecone, the twelfth plate of Korma du Poulet was to prove too much for his digestive system to handle, and so he left the table and headed to the restaurant's toilets.

The toilet was located at the back of the establishment, down a rather dark and dismal corridor that bore none of the tasteful decor of the restaurant itself. Nevertheless, Jeremy locked himself in the dank restroom, and prepared to evacuate his bowels.

The bowel motion was fast and furious, the explosive mixture of curries and lagers causing poor Jeremy Pinecone's colon to almost combust under the strain.

But that was the least of Jeremy's problems.

Having successfully performed his task, leaving his hindquarters splattered with feces, Jeremy reached for the toilet roll to clean himself up.

He paused, frozen in terror.

There was no toilet roll.

An empty, cardboard tube hung on the holder, silently mocking him.

Jeremy panicked. What would he do? He was pretty certain it was a rather sizable social faux-pas to return to dinner reeking of excrement.

Luckily for Jeremy Pinecone, a passing ghost appeared in the toilet, so Jeremy simply used the apparition to wipe his anus clean of all the crap.

A close call for Jeremy Pinecone, then, readers. But still, you have to agree, that was some spooky shit.

Sleep well, readers.

- The Book-Keeper.

i done a comic: Ray The Otter

2007-03-28T19:28:00.001-07:00

More 'i done a comic'...

Take Life From Behind with Dan Bobbins

2007-03-28T19:26:00.000-07:00

WAKE UP TO LIFE!

Hey!

Have you ever woken up one morning, and felt nothing but dread about the day ahead?

Well, I'm here to give you another wake-up call and to tell you to wake up. Wake up...to LIFE!

Yeah, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Gee, Dan, that's a lot of waking up to do!" You bet your waking ass it is!

I'm gonna wake each and every one of you up. All the way up, no compromises. I'll not stop until you're all fully awake, and as far away from asleep as you can be.

Only when you're fully awake can YOU start to affect the BIG changes in YOUR life. No-one ever made any big changes by being asleep.

Do you think Thomas Edison invented the light-bulb while asleep?

Of course not. He was 100%, totally and completely AWAKE.

So, join me in my revolutionary new program, 'Wake Up To Life, Go To Sleep A Winner!', and I'll spend every waking moment waking you up.

WAKE UP!

Goodnight!

- Dan Bobbins.

Dan Bobbins is one of America's top motivational speakers and self-help gurus, who's clients have included US President George W Bush, murderous GP Dr. Harold Shipman, renowned serial killer Ted Bundy, Ugandan dictator and mass-murderer Idi Amin and top movie star Corey Feldman. Bobbins has also written many top-selling books, including 'Kick the Crap Out of Yourself', 'Finding Your Inner Child and Sending Him To Bed With No Supper' and 'Pulling Our Fingers Out of Our Souls'.

Dan Bobbins lives in LA with his fifth wife, Alicia.

The Carrotty Kid in 'New Point of View'

2007-03-28T19:20:00.000-07:00

More Carrotty Kid...

Anthology of Awful: The Haunting of Linda Thimbles

2007-03-28T19:15:00.000-07:00

Ghosts.

The spirits of the departed, returned from the grave to haunt the living?

Maybe.

Or maybe...something more...sinister?

For 29 year-old accounting assistant Linda Thimbles, it was to be the latter.

One night, Linda Thimbles was preparing for bed, having had an exhausting day assisting accountants with their accounting duties.

She fell gratefully into her bed, turned off her bedside lamp, and drifted into a much-needed sleep.

Hours later, Linda Thimbles snapped awake, and immediately sensed something was deeply wrong. Her room was freezing cold, and she felt she was being watched by eyes that were not of this world.

She glanced up at her alarm clock, and noticed it was 3:30am. She sighed, remembering that in less than three hours, she would have to get up again, for another day of assisting accountants.

Linda Thimbles groaned, and decided to put aside her apprehensions, and go back to sleep. However, as she turned over in her bed, something caught her eye.

Something that made her quite literally freeze in fear, although not in a literal sense.

There, at the foot of the bed, was the unmistakable white figure of a GHOST.

The spirit flapped about gently, but made no other motion and did not advance upon Linda Thimbles. Yet she remained uneasy, sensing that, although the apparition had no eyes, it was carefully WATCHING her.

Then she noticed something else.

The ghoul seemed to be patterned, with dozens of little pink bunny-rabbits adorning its body.

Then Linda Thimbles realised - this was no ghost. This was just one of her duvet covers, gently flapping in the breeze from the open window.

Just a duvet cover...

Just?

Oh, dear readers, had it been a simple ghoul we could have all rested. We know where we are with ghouls, and many of us can go a lifetime without ever meeting one.

But knowing that it was, in fact, a duvet cover - like the ones you or I own, means that we too could be startled by a piece of linen, at any time. Night or day, today or tomorrow. We will not know when to expect it, but when it occurs, and the sheet carries out it's terrifying duty, we will shit ourselves for a few, agonizing seconds.

And that is the terrifying truth.

Sleep well.

- The Book-Keeper.

Matt For It: Elton's Birthday Bash 'Gayest Ever'

2007-03-28T19:14:00.000-07:00

Elton John's 60th birthday bash, which takes place on March 25th in New York, will be the "gayest ever", according to Elton himself.

"I've had some very gay birthday parties in the past," Elton told Matt For It, "but they will all look positively straight when compared to this year's party. It will be unbelievably gay."

GAY SAUSAGE

Everything, from the guest-list to the food, will be "totally gay", said Elton. A team of top chefs have been flown in specially to prepare a suitably gay menu, including: gay ice cream, gay sausages, gay jelly and the gayest birthday cake in the world, shaped like a gay cock.

Elton John...gay.

GAY STUDIES

While the gay community prepares itself for the gayest day in it's gay social calender, some are less than gay (in the happy sense, not the gay sense) about the planned gay party.

"Elton John is being reckless and extremely selfish with this party," says Dr. Martin Gaybones, Doctor of Gay Studies at the University of Gaysville. "Gay is not an infinite resource, and it's supples are dwindling all the time, thanks to the Gay Pride marches, gay TV shows like 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy' and 'Will and Grace', and gay singers like that gay one from Boyzone. Elton's party itself will drain a further 0.23% from the gay resources, which may not sound like much, but it may mean another gay man's gay birthday party will only be 'slightly camp' as opposed to 'fully gay.' "

Elton John has refused to comment on Dr. Gaybones' report, but has allegedly agreed to plant several gay trees after his gay party, to help replenish gay stocks.

Gay Elton John's gay birthday party will take place this Sunday, or 'Sungay', as it has now been rechristened.

- Matt X

Anthology of Awful: TERROR Dog

2007-03-28T19:12:00.000-07:00

Little dogs.

We love them, don't we? With their little fuzzy faces, their small black noses and tiny paws.

Or do we?

Maybe not, after you hear about the horror that befell one Martin Windpipe...

Martin Windpipe was a lonely man, who lived alone in a small, one-bedroom flat in London. He wanted some company, and so decided to get himself a dog.

He scoured the local pet shops, looking for the perfect canine companion. But he just couldn't seem to find a dog he liked. That is until, quite by accident, Martin Windpipe stumbled across a small shop tucked away in the back streets. He had never seen this particular store before, so decided to give it a shot.

Inside, he found a small, wizened, Chinese man. The Chinese man seemed affable and friendly enough, and set about helping Martin Windpipe find the dog of his dreams. After a short time spent browsing, Martin Windpipe clapped eyes upon the adorable figure of a small hound in a cage. The dog leapt up at the bars, and wagged it's little tail furiously.

Martin Windpipe was overjoyed, and quickly a deal was struck and the dog was his.

"I must warn you," said the shop-keeper as Martin Windpipe left, "do not overfeed this dog, or spoil it with sickly treats...or else...you will come to regret it."

Martin Windpipe smiled, nodded and left, little knowing how important that warning would be...

The pair arrived at Martin's small flat later that afternoon, the little dog having been christened 'Shorty' during the bus-ride home.

"Well, I don't know about you, Shorty, but I could really use a bite to eat," said Martin, rummaging through the cupboards. Shorty wagged his tail in agreement.

Martin Windpipe made Shorty a bowl of dog-food, while he sat down to a meal of steak and chips. As he ate, Shorty finished his meal and padded over to Martin. The little dog sat down, and looked up hungrily at his owner.

"Still hungry, huh, little fellah?" said Martin. "Guess they didn't feed you so well at the shop, huh? Well, here you go."

Martin tossed Shorty some morsels of steak, and a few chips. Shorty eagerly chomped them down.

Later, Martin decided to get some dessert, and so went back to the kitchen and grabbed himself a slice of chocolate cake. As he sat down to enjoy his sweet treat, Shorty scampered across, and eyed the cake with longing eyes.

"My my," said Martin Windpipe. "We are a hungry little doggy tonight, aren't we? Hey, I don't suppose it'll matter if you just have a little bit of cake..." He passed Shorty a small slice of cake, which the dog happily ate.

It would be a slice of cake too far.

Martin Windpipe went to bed, after ensuring Shorty was comfortable and asleep in his new basket. "Goodnight, little pal," said Martin, and retired to his room.

The next morning, Martin Windpipe awoke and blearily staggered into his lounge. He wiped the sleep out of his eyes, and looked around for Shorty.

What he saw HORRIFIED and SICKENED him.

There, in the middle of the lounge, was a pile of dog-poop.

But it gets worse, dear readers. It was not the firm, solid poop. Oh, if only it was that simple. No, readers...it was slightly gooey, and runny.

"Sh-Shorty..." said Martin, as Shorty innocently wandered into the room. "What...what have you done?"

The little dog stared up at his master, and Martin Windpipe swore he could hear the far-off laughter of a Chinaman...

Terrifying, isn't it readers? That's what happens when Man's Best Friend....shits on Man's Best Carpet.

Sleep well.

- The Book-Keeper.

Lord Likely: 'Things I Have Stabbed, Part Two'

2007-03-28T19:10:00.000-07:00

22nd March 1856

More things I have stabbed with my trusty fencing sword, over the years...

A Grizzly Bear: When a Chinese Circus (bearing the slogan 'Where Animals Are Beaten For Your Pleasure!') came to town, I was reluctantly dragged along to witness the awful spectacle by a friend of mine, Lord John Ratzenberger, who loved circuses a bit too much, as far as I was concerned.

So we adjourned to the circus, and readied ourselves for an evening of so-called entertainment.

The event passed predictably enough, with a procession of gaudily-dressed, smug wankers carrying out tedious feats of 'danger', until one particular act began, involving a grizzly bear juggling. The bear was clearly as interested in performing as I was in watching, which is to say not very interested at all. His trainer persisted, throwing juggling balls at the poor creature until it finally snapped, and lunged at the man, and bit his hand clean off.

From there, pandemonium ensued, as the bear turned his attention to the audience and began running amok in the stalls. Finally sensing some adventure and excitement, I raced down to join in the fracas and tried to placate the animal, by stabbing him in the head with my sword.

This was an uncharacteristically bad idea on my part, and I was rewarded by a swift paw to the face, which sent me reeling back, dropping my blade in the process.

Weaponless, I decided to take the bear on bare-handed, while he himself remained bear-handed, and so we fought. Fisticuffs with a ferocious bear was, undoubtedly, the most exciting event on the play-bill that night.

I eventually triumphed over the creature, by kicking him in the stomach, then delivering a swift upper-cut to his furry jaw. The animal fell back, knocked out-cold by my powerful swing.

To conclude the night, I stabbed Ratzenberger for daring to bring me along to such a terrible show. He never invited me along again, thank God.

Botter: I have stabbed Botter countless times, as there really is nothing like a sharp-point to the torso to jolt a man-servant into action.

One particular time stays in the memory, when Botter had failed to adequately clean one of my swords.

"Botter," I said, in my sternest tone, "this blade is not sufficiently cleansed. There is still grime and shit all over it."

"Shit?" said Botter.

"Yes, Botter, shit." Then I jammed the blade into Botter's unsuspecting posterior, causing him to yelp in pain. To add further to the comedy, he then flailed around the drawing-room, sword still embedded in his anus, knocking things over with the handle as he stumbled about.

Of course, I made him pick up and clean everything he knocked over, which he did despite the sword still resting in his awful hide.

I did not allow it to be removed for a further three hours.

Another Beggar: They really are cunts, you know.

- Lord Likely.

More Lord Likely...

Lord Likely: 'Things I Have Stabbed, Part One'

2007-03-28T19:08:00.000-07:00

March 21st, 1856

As an aristocrat, with money and time in plentiful supply, I like to indulge in various hobbies and entertainments.

One of my favourite past-times is fencing, and many an afternoon I can be found, waving my weapon in another man's face.

I own my very own fencing sword, the use of which is not restricted to sport, I must confess.

Indeed, I like to keep my sword on me at all times, to fend off foes I encounter on my astonishing adventures, or simply to stab things for my own amusement. Here now follows a list of just some of the things that have felt the end of my weapon, and why:

A Wretched Mugger: On the way home from the theatre one evening, I was accosted by an unpleasant chap who wished to relieve me of my valuables. Feeling strongly that this loathsome creature had not done anything worthy to be in possession of such riches as mine, I refused. This angered the yob, who then came at me with a knife. I whipped out my sword, and stabbed him in the leg. He staggered off in much pain, and my solid-gold pocket-watch and I were not parted.

It was quite a night for my young, six-year old self.

Major Chudd-Fuddle: For a period of some three weeks, I courted a lady called Elizabeth Tallytugg, a beautiful creature with smooth, creamy-white skin, a slender, shapely neck and the sort of tits you would be more than happy to allow to smother you to death.

One afternoon, upon deciding to surprise Elizabeth, I arrived at her home only to catch her in bed with Major Chudd-Fuddle, an awful, obese man with a terrible red face. He was balls-deep in Elizabeth's mimsy, so to express my outrage and displeasure, I stabbed Chudd-Fuddle in the bollocks.

He hasn't fathered any children since.

A Beggar: Just because I hate beggars. Bastards, one and all.

I shall continue and conclude this list tomorrow. Now I must go and tend to my blade .

- Lord Likely.

Matt For It: Britney's CAT-alogue of Craziness

2007-03-28T19:05:00.000-07:00

Bald-headed pop-starlet Britney Spears seems to be going crazier by the day.

When not shaving her head, or going in and out of rehab, she builds herself a fort made out of tiny cat skulls, according to sources.

Britney...oops she did it again! GEDDIT?

"Britney really has been losing it lately," the source exclusively revealed to me. "She's been building herself this...grotesque fort of skulls, and then populating the fort with tiny fish-soldiers, which are just dead goldfish dressed in tiny suits of armour."

FEARS

Britney has apparently built the sick mockery of a fort because she fears an attack from "the evil cat empire", reports state. Britney has even gone so far as to take cats who wonder into her garden hostage, and hold them in her self-made POW camp, a box with 'Meowschwitz' written on the side in crayon. She has also named herself 'Queen of the Fish-Men' and made herself a crown out of seaweed.

NUTTY

Friends are increasingly concerned for Britney's health, and fear she could soon land herself in real trouble, or injure herself. "The nutty mare needs help, and needs it quick", one friend told Matt For It. "She's totally retarded right now."

More news as it comes.

- Matt X

Welcome...

2007-03-28T18:54:00.000-07:00

...to The Best Bit of the Internet!

A collection of stuff that all adds up to the best stuff EVER made by man and machine, working in perfect harmony.

Look. Read. Spaff off a bit.

It's the BEST.

BYE!

- Fanton.

The Carrotty Kid: Cobbzilla (part one)

2007-01-21T06:27:00.000-08:00