There's an old saying in Hollywood - "If you're gonna fuck a chick, make sure sure she has no dick." Which is real good goddamn advice, but that's not what I wanna talk about today.
The old saying I'm talking about is this: "If you wanna get rich, learn how to pitch". This is abso-fucking-lutely true.
In this town, you can have the best fucking idea for a movie ever, but if you can't present it to some suited-up cunt in the boardroom, then you're fucked. Learning to pitch your idea in a way that makes anyone who hears it instantly cum in their pants is the key to success in Hollywood.
I've been pitching shit for years now, ever since I was a wide-eyed kid trying to break into the industry. I can still remember my first successful pitch back in the Eighties, when I pitched the idea for Kick Doctor to the head of Felch Films, Jeff Spazzmeyer. "He's a doctor," I said, "and he knows martial arts. He gets fed up of tending to the victims of a gang war in his city, so he goes out to kick some butt and sort shit out. It's General Hospital meets Kung-Fu! It's Quincy meets Enter the Dragon! He's taking prescriptions - and dishing out PAIN!"
Well, Spazzmeyer couldn't get his check book out quick enough, and soon we had my first blockbuster hit, taking a cool $76 million at the Box Office. I had fucking arrived, and it was all thanks to pitching my ass off like a motherfucker.
I may not be so young any more (but I'm still fucking shit-hot sexy), but I haven't lost my pitching skills. Only last week I successfully pitched an idea for a new action flick called Gutbuster, to the heads of Pissflap Pictures. "Terrorists have found a way to shrink themselves down to a microscopic size." I said, excitedly. "A whole bunch of them get themselves injected into the President's backside, and are threatening to explode the President from within unless their crazy demands are met. Only one ex-marine, John Muffdiver, is willing to get himself shrunk down and inserted into the President's ass to take on these terrorist scum. It's Innerspace meets Commando - Muffdiver's beating the shit out of terrorists, and beating the terrorists out of the shit. He's kicking ass inside an ass!"
Pissflap promptly bought the idea, and hope to fast-track this bad boy for a spring 2008 release, with Vin Diesel to star.
I've still fucking got it, cocksuckers.
- Vic Gallium.
Friday, 21 September 2007
Suck My Hollywood: Son of a Pitch
Ray the Otter - Kitty
For a whole bunch more Ray, visit i done a comic today!
The Shits O'Clock News: Opinion Box
The recent suicide attempt by Zoolander and Royal Tenenbaums star Owen Wilson is obviously a terrible and tragic event, but what do YOU think about it? The Shits O'Clock News hit the streets to find out.
"It's a cocking disgrace," said Mr. Marty Fuck, a dick polisher from Verwood in Dorset. "Why did it have to be poor Owen Wilson? He is brilliant, and has a fantastic wonky nose. Why couldn't it have been someone shit, like Rob Schneider or Martin Lawrence? It's fucking crazy."
This statement was echoed by a Miss Lucy Plops, of Birmingham. "A cunt like Vinnie Jones or the Wayans brothers should have been in that hospital now, driven to slashing their wrists in the realisation that they do nothing but inflict utterly shit movies on the movie-going public. Owen Wilson is too ace to be there."
Owen Wilson - 'excellent'."If there was any justice in the world, Jude Law would have not only overdosed on drugs, but then ran onto some train tracks and exploded under the wheels of an oncoming freight train. It definitely should not have been Owen Wilson, who is brill," said Mr. Alan Mirkin, a horse fucker from Somerset.
"I cannot believe that Kate Hudson ditched Owen for Dax Shepard, who is the very definition of wank," Mr. Kenneth Hedgerow, a retired rapist from London told Opinion Box. "Did you see Employee of the Month? Absolute toss. He should have sucked an exhaust pipe the moment he signed up for Without A Paddle."
So, there you have it, the Great British public have spoken, and what do they say?
Owen Wilson is fucking excellent. Join in the discussion today, in the comments section.
- Report filed by Sir Renchard Likely
Suck My Hollywood: FUCK Hollywood
Fuck Hollywood.
Yeah, that's right. That's what I said. Fuck Hollywood. Hey, that's what I do, each and every motherfuckin' day. I take Hollywood, lift up Hollywood's skirt, pull down Hollywood's panties and fuck it hard on my desk. And I don't stop fuckin' until Hollywood is my fuckin' BITCH.
Hey, you don't like it? Then fuck you too.
I'm Vic Gallium, Hollywood super-producer. You all know the name. You know when people say, "Yo! He's the man!" Well, I'm the motherfuckin' man they're talkin' about. Me. I'm THE man. The man behind such big-cocked, huge-balled movies as Jet Cops, Bent Steel, Tank vs Tank, Shoot First (and it's sequel, Shoot Second), Punching Hard, Kick Doctor, Crankshaft and Double Barreled Bastard - all of which have netted a shit-kickin' $3.5 billion dollars at the box office. So yeah, damn fuckin' straight I'm the man.
Over the next few weeks or months or however fuckin' long I keep this shit going, I'll be taking you all behind the scenes of movie land. I'll be liftin' up Hollywood's skirt so you can all get a good look at her crudded up pussy. So hang on to your hats, guys - it's gonna be one Hell of a motherfuckin' ride.
Later.
- Vic Gallium.
The Shits O'Clock News: Wanker Walks Free
London, UK
A blunder by the stupid fucking police force has allowed part-time rocker and full-time twatstick Pete Doherty to walk free, after having been arrested on suspected drug offences on Monday.
Dickwad Doherty, 28, singer with such shitty bands as the Libertines and Babyshambles, was arrested Monday after performing at the V Festival, but the charge of breaching conditional bail was dropped after police failed to produce Doherty before court within the 24 hour time period. The useless twats.
Pete Doherty, probably off his face on sherbert, or something.In a statement, Metropolitan Police confessed they had made an error. "Yeah, we fucked it up," a spokesman told the press. "We could have put that tedious little cunt Pete Doherty away, but as we are a bunch of fucking retards, we sort of forgot we had to get him in front of a court within 24 hours. Boy, are our faces red!"
There is still hope, however, as waste of skin Doherty is still waiting to be charged on previous accounts of drugs and driving offences, so we might yet see the moon-faced cock-knocker locked up.
Report filed by our showbiz editor, Matthew Matthews
Take Life From Behind : Two Steps Forward
Think about this, friends. Only a short while ago you were in bed, not standing, and not at all ready to take on life.
Now look at you! You're out of that bed, and completely stood up, ready to look life in the face and scream, "I am coming to get you, life!"
That's great. It really is. Now onto the next part of my program - it's time to get moving!
It's all very well being awake and out of bed, standing up vertically on your own two feet. But all that means approximately diddley-squat if you're not prepared to go anywhere. So, let's stop standing still, and start not standing still.
It's a harsh fact of life, but a lot of people can spend their entire lives standing still and not moving, which is fine if you're a living statue or artist's model, but otherwise it is NOT FINE. No one got anywhere standing still and not moving, you know. And that, my friends, is cast-iron, stone-clad scientific FACT.
So, here is what I want you to do. I want you to move your feet. Not at the same time - that's later, in the chapter entitled 'Jumping to Success!'. No, all you need do now is move one foot, and then the other, in a forwards direction. Not backwards, or sidewards. FORWARDS. Forwards is the direction you need to go. Remember that.
Feel that? That's you, taking two steps forward. Two steps nearer to a NEW YOU, a NEW LIFE, NEW OPPORTUNITIES and also nearer to your BEDROOM DOOR.
Feels good, doesn't it? Tell me how good it feels by calling my Feel Good Foneline on 08000 IFEELGOOD. Calls cost $4.50 per minute.
Well, enjoy taking your first, tentative steps to success. Be sure to join me again real soon, as we prepare to TAKE LIFE FROM BEHIND!
See ya!
- Dan Bobbins.
