The Best Bit of the Internet Presents:
THE BEST ADVICE
1. Making a Shitload of Money on the Internet
Yeah, you've heard it all before. You've probably all read John Chow, or Problogger or any of the other countless blogs and sites all offering you fail-safe advice on how to find your riches in the virtual hills of the internet.
Well forget them. Those guys? Pfffft. They don't know their assholes from their SEOs. Luckily, The Best Bit of the Internet is on hand with REAL advice on how to make those big bucks. Trust us, we know what we're talking about. We all have solid-gold trousers on, and drink champagne from glass slippers all day. SO LISTEN UP!
Step One: FORGET CONTENT! Dullards often say, 'Hey! If you write consistently good, well-written content, people will find it and you will soon rake in the cash!'
WRONG!
People don't have a clue. People know SHIT. People pay good money to watch Rob Schneider movies, or to go to James Blunt concerts. People are STUPID. Don't try to pander to some imagined army of rich intellectuals trawling the internet for a good read, eager to reward the author with cash money. They don't exist. All the really clever people are out getting drunk on yachts, not reading your bloody blog. Remember that.
So, always just write the bare minimum. Don't put too much thought into the content, because your readers won't want to think too much. They'll more than likely have stumbled across your site by accident anyway, looking for nude pictures of some big-titted bint from Heroes, or something. Which brings us on to step two...
Step Two: SEX SELLS! Fact: the internet was invented solely as a means of sharing pornography. Al Gore made the internet back in 1993, when he desperately wanted a wank but had left his copy of Hairy Dairy back in the office. Luckily, Bill Clinton had two copies, so he posted one to Al by express mail. As Al spanked himself silly over the pictures of farmers fucking, he thought that it would be 'really neat' if people could send each other porn really quickly by computer. Thus, the internet was born. True story, look it up.
Now, you can either ignore this fact, and pretend the internet was made to 'link people together', or 'to share information' or whatever other bollocks people say to fool themselves.
OR: you can embrace the truth, and cater for the largest audience on the net - the hairy-palmed virgins desperate to see a bit of tit. Usually, illustrating your post with a semi-clad female will do the trick.
Hear that sound? That's the sound of hundreds of sweaty-browed teenage boys hitting your website!
You don't even have to use pictures, if you're the prudish type. A few liberally-placed references to sexual organs or fucking throughout your site will get you more unsuspecting readers. A cock here, a pair of big, bouncy boobies there, a woman with a dick in her mouth there, and you're away. All you have to do now is get the sudden influx of readers to click on your ads and make you some dough. Talking of which...
Step Three: SELL YOUR ARSE OFF! Don't be timid about fully embracing the seedy world of click-thru adverts, affiliates, banners and other such shit. Hey, you want to make money, don't you? SO GO AND MAKE SOME!
Plaster your blog with gaudy adverts and flashing banners and spinning graphics. Don't stop until your blog looks like a billboard designed by coked-up junkies, leaving your disoriented readers with little option to click on one of the ads in the absence of any non-advertising space. And hey - don't feel guilty or dirty, you are on the internet, now. Your soul disappeared a long time ago. ADVERTISE AWAY!
Step Four: Drink Diet Coke. Buy an XBox 360. Treat yourself to a delicious bucket of KFC! Watch Heroes. Click here to buy more stuff! CONSUME!
Step Five: failing the above, simply set up a blog dispensing vague but important-sounding advice about how to make money online. Post a picture of yourself looking ridiculously smug and knowledgeable, so people will trust you. Also, a picture of a fast car of shiny pants will make you look really swish and stinking rich. Re-write the same article every few weeks, pepper your posts with affiliate links, fill every nook and cranny with ads and sponsors and watch the money roll in.
Congratulations! You are now officially a rich bastard. WELL DONE!
- by Andy Fanton, CEO of LookAtAllMyCash.com
Yeah, you've heard it all before. You've probably all read John Chow, or Problogger or any of the other countless blogs and sites all offering you fail-safe advice on how to find your riches in the virtual hills of the internet.Well forget them. Those guys? Pfffft. They don't know their assholes from their SEOs. Luckily, The Best Bit of the Internet is on hand with REAL advice on how to make those big bucks. Trust us, we know what we're talking about. We all have solid-gold trousers on, and drink champagne from glass slippers all day. SO LISTEN UP!
Step One: FORGET CONTENT! Dullards often say, 'Hey! If you write consistently good, well-written content, people will find it and you will soon rake in the cash!'
WRONG!
People don't have a clue. People know SHIT. People pay good money to watch Rob Schneider movies, or to go to James Blunt concerts. People are STUPID. Don't try to pander to some imagined army of rich intellectuals trawling the internet for a good read, eager to reward the author with cash money. They don't exist. All the really clever people are out getting drunk on yachts, not reading your bloody blog. Remember that.
So, always just write the bare minimum. Don't put too much thought into the content, because your readers won't want to think too much. They'll more than likely have stumbled across your site by accident anyway, looking for nude pictures of some big-titted bint from Heroes, or something. Which brings us on to step two...
Step Two: SEX SELLS! Fact: the internet was invented solely as a means of sharing pornography. Al Gore made the internet back in 1993, when he desperately wanted a wank but had left his copy of Hairy Dairy back in the office. Luckily, Bill Clinton had two copies, so he posted one to Al by express mail. As Al spanked himself silly over the pictures of farmers fucking, he thought that it would be 'really neat' if people could send each other porn really quickly by computer. Thus, the internet was born. True story, look it up.
Now, you can either ignore this fact, and pretend the internet was made to 'link people together', or 'to share information' or whatever other bollocks people say to fool themselves.
OR: you can embrace the truth, and cater for the largest audience on the net - the hairy-palmed virgins desperate to see a bit of tit. Usually, illustrating your post with a semi-clad female will do the trick.
Hear that sound? That's the sound of hundreds of sweaty-browed teenage boys hitting your website!
You don't even have to use pictures, if you're the prudish type. A few liberally-placed references to sexual organs or fucking throughout your site will get you more unsuspecting readers. A cock here, a pair of big, bouncy boobies there, a woman with a dick in her mouth there, and you're away. All you have to do now is get the sudden influx of readers to click on your ads and make you some dough. Talking of which...
Step Three: SELL YOUR ARSE OFF! Don't be timid about fully embracing the seedy world of click-thru adverts, affiliates, banners and other such shit. Hey, you want to make money, don't you? SO GO AND MAKE SOME!
Plaster your blog with gaudy adverts and flashing banners and spinning graphics. Don't stop until your blog looks like a billboard designed by coked-up junkies, leaving your disoriented readers with little option to click on one of the ads in the absence of any non-advertising space. And hey - don't feel guilty or dirty, you are on the internet, now. Your soul disappeared a long time ago. ADVERTISE AWAY!
Step Four: Drink Diet Coke. Buy an XBox 360. Treat yourself to a delicious bucket of KFC! Watch Heroes. Click here to buy more stuff! CONSUME!
Step Five: failing the above, simply set up a blog dispensing vague but important-sounding advice about how to make money online. Post a picture of yourself looking ridiculously smug and knowledgeable, so people will trust you. Also, a picture of a fast car of shiny pants will make you look really swish and stinking rich. Re-write the same article every few weeks, pepper your posts with affiliate links, fill every nook and cranny with ads and sponsors and watch the money roll in.
Congratulations! You are now officially a rich bastard. WELL DONE!
- by Andy Fanton, CEO of LookAtAllMyCash.com
1 comment:
We could take it a step further and discuss the peculiarities of other's genitalia - just like fashion reviews, but so much more interesting. We'll send people "under the covers" to gather data and photos.
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