Once every two months, my ex-wife and all-round bitch Loretta lets me spend a weekend with our son, 8 year-old Tad.
Tad is a really good fucking kid, who is already just fucking nuts about movies. The little son-of-a-bitch is gonna grow up to be a sexy, Hollywood super-producer just like his dad, I swear.
So, last weekend I took Tad to see that fucking Daddy Day Camp, a sequel of sorts to that shitty Eddie Murphy flick, Daddy Day Care. It was a piece of shit movie, predictable and stupid and just...well, shit. Even Tad said it was, "more painful than a fissure in the ass." (He's a bright kid, is Tad). Daddy Day Camp marks the umpteenth consecutive crappy role for Cuba Gooding Jr, who's career seems to have gone down the toilet quicker than Godzilla's first shit of the day.
I mean, what the fuck is wrong with Cuba Gooding Jr, anyway? Since picking up an Oscar for his performance in Jerry Maguire, the asshole has churned out dud after dud after dud. He did that crappy gay boat film, that one where he has some fucking huskies, and that fucking Eddie Murphy crap-fest Norbit. (Murphy's another asshole who seems to make more shit than a thousand diarrheatic camels). I mean, c'mon! Does the guy ever bother to read the fucking scripts he gets sent? Does he just love making shitty movies? Or was he just a dick all along, and no-one noticed before?
I remember the time I offered him a role in my 1998 blockbuster Crankshaft. He turned down the part of 'second mechanic in cafeteria' because he wanted to play "more substantial, significant roles". Shortly afterwards, the asshole appeared in that God-awful Robin Williams picture (another asshole, by the way), What Dreams May Come. I had the last laugh though, when Crankshaft fucking buried that sappy piece of shit at the box office.
Still, I'm not one to hold a grudge, and if Cuba Gooding Jr ever wants to appear in a movie that isn't a heap of fucking shit, I'll gladly offer him another part. Otherwise, he should stick to making shit, and hand his Oscar back to the Academy, or shove it up his own stupid ass.
- Vic Gallium.
For more from Vic Gallium, click here.
Tad is a really good fucking kid, who is already just fucking nuts about movies. The little son-of-a-bitch is gonna grow up to be a sexy, Hollywood super-producer just like his dad, I swear.
So, last weekend I took Tad to see that fucking Daddy Day Camp, a sequel of sorts to that shitty Eddie Murphy flick, Daddy Day Care. It was a piece of shit movie, predictable and stupid and just...well, shit. Even Tad said it was, "more painful than a fissure in the ass." (He's a bright kid, is Tad). Daddy Day Camp marks the umpteenth consecutive crappy role for Cuba Gooding Jr, who's career seems to have gone down the toilet quicker than Godzilla's first shit of the day.
I mean, what the fuck is wrong with Cuba Gooding Jr, anyway? Since picking up an Oscar for his performance in Jerry Maguire, the asshole has churned out dud after dud after dud. He did that crappy gay boat film, that one where he has some fucking huskies, and that fucking Eddie Murphy crap-fest Norbit. (Murphy's another asshole who seems to make more shit than a thousand diarrheatic camels). I mean, c'mon! Does the guy ever bother to read the fucking scripts he gets sent? Does he just love making shitty movies? Or was he just a dick all along, and no-one noticed before?I remember the time I offered him a role in my 1998 blockbuster Crankshaft. He turned down the part of 'second mechanic in cafeteria' because he wanted to play "more substantial, significant roles". Shortly afterwards, the asshole appeared in that God-awful Robin Williams picture (another asshole, by the way), What Dreams May Come. I had the last laugh though, when Crankshaft fucking buried that sappy piece of shit at the box office.
Still, I'm not one to hold a grudge, and if Cuba Gooding Jr ever wants to appear in a movie that isn't a heap of fucking shit, I'll gladly offer him another part. Otherwise, he should stick to making shit, and hand his Oscar back to the Academy, or shove it up his own stupid ass.
- Vic Gallium.
For more from Vic Gallium, click here.
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