Best or Worst: Mugs.

BEST or WORST?

Welcome to yet another new column for The Best Bit of the Internet, where we will review products for YOU so you can decide whether or not to buy them, as our opinions are ALWAYS RIGHT and should be adhered to RIGIDLY.

Today, we take a look at MUGS.

We don't know about you, but we are fed up of pouring scalding hot drinks into our cupped hands, just to enjoy some tea or coffee. There has to be a better way to enjoy our favourite drinks, without winding up in the Emergency Ward?

Well, now there is - mugs. These drinking vessels purport to eliminate those burnt-hand blues by providing a receptacle in which hot beverages can be stored, ready to be drunk at your leisure. So, does the mug work, or are they making mugs of us all?


Design

The mug certainly looks nice, having been carefully crafted out of ceramic materials and rounded off with a lovely glazed finish. A sole handle sits on the side, lending the mug an economy of design that only adds to its charm. Unfussy, uncomplicated and unobtrusive, the mug will surely go down in history as a design classic, to be imitated for years to come.


Functionality

We found the mug to be extremely easy to use, as befits its simple design. You simply fill the mug up with a hot beverage of your choice, and then drink said beverage in your own time. Thanks to the thick walls of the mug, the drink retains its heat for an extended period of time, meaning it can be drunk as and when the drinker sees fit. However, we did find that the mug could be rather hot to the touch after filling it up with a boiling hot drink, and we were concerned that we might hurt our delicate hands.

"...a genius innovation".

That is where the handle comes in. Whereas previous versions of the mug have been distinctly handle-less, the makers of the mug have listened to consumer feedback and added a simple handle to the design of this latest model. It is a genius innovation, which allows users to pick up the mug with far greater ease and comfort, and without sustaining any injury. It is a masterstroke which we feel elevates the mug to 'must-have' status.


Durability

The mug is a rather fragile item, which will chip or shatter if treated roughly, or hurled angrily at a cheating spouse. However, if properly taken care of, the mug could last forever, providing you with a lifetime of drinking pleasure.


Conclusion

We cannot rate the mug highly enough. If you like hot drinks, then look no further - this is the perfect storage device. CHEERS!


Rating

BEST

- tested by Andy Fanton.

You Are Going Straight to Hell because You Will Not Touch Yourself.

God is angry. God is very angry. It doesn't pay to make God angry. You wouldn't like him when He's angry.

God is angry because, despite His best efforts, and all His hard work, some of you out there still refuse to touch yourself.

Look between your legs. Go on, get up off your chair, pull down your trousers (or lift up your skirts) and take a look.

See that thing between your legs? That is no accident of design. God did not slip with His Almighty Holy pencil while sketching out His blueprint for mankind. That thing is there for a reason. And no, I'm not referring to urination. Touch it. Touch it gently. Feel that pleasant sensation? That is God's way of telling you that you should touch yourself more often.

I hear fellow Christians claiming that touching yourself is a terrible, ugly sin. Those people are WRONG, and God shall strike them down. If God had meant for masturbation to be a sin, He would surely have made your genitals boiling hot to the touch, or made them shrivel up and fall off upon contact. But He did not do that, my friends. He made it feel nice to touch. He knew what he was doing. He was sending out a very clear signal - TOUCH YOURSELF.

Still some people did not get His message, so God went further. He put upon the land creatures so ravishing, so sexually attractive that simply seeing these people half-dressed would make you feel highly aroused, and want to touch yourself.


This fine-looking female was not put upon this Earth to further the cause of mankind, or help develop a cure for all disease. God had a place upon this Earth for people like her, and that place is in glossy magazines, lying around in varying states of undress, just to make you crave a quick wank.

Feel that urge rising up in your loins? Feel that desire to touch yourself? Do not fight it. Give in to it, for that is what He wants you to do. Do not listen to the naysayers who cry out that it is an evil temptation that must be ignored. God wants you to pound yourself raw, and expel your juices in sticky praise of His glorious work.

But still there are those that refuse to believe the truth. They decry the spilling of semen, claiming that it is a precious fluid, solely for the creation of babies. Once again, they are wrong, and God will kick them in the face in Heaven. Do you know how many sperm a man can produce in a lifetime? Millions upon millions. Do you really think that God intended for you to go forth and make millions of babies, clogging up our already overcrowded planet with their incessant whining and crying? Of course not, He is not stupid. He gave you plenty of spare sperm to spunk forth into fresh tissues, or old socks, or upon the back of a whore. It is all part of His great master plan.

So, do not fear yourself, dear readers. Proudly grab your penis, or explore your vagina, and give thanks to the Lord for His glorious creation.

Just remember to clean up afterwards. God has no patience for filth.

- Reverend B.J Hades, The Church of the Hairy Palm.

The Best Bits of the Internet that We Didn't Do 2

Hello and welcome again to The Best Bit of the Internet's 'The Best Bits of the Internet that We Didn't Do...2'! (APPLAUSE, CHEERING).

Right! Without further ado, here are some things we've found on the internet that we didn't do, but are still Quite Good nonetheless. Soooooo....

Pringle Bells

Some of our good chums are in a band, and as such they like to make music. One of the musics they made recently was a Christmas-themed jingle for everyone's favourite tube-based snack, Pringles, as part of a competition run by the crunchy crisp corporation. Below is the band's masterpiece, set to a lovely animated video involving snowmen. And crisps. Watch it, love it, and then why not vote for it on the Pringles site, so that they might win and maybe treat us to a delicious Pringle. Do it, or little baby Christ will cry for all infinity.

Crispy Christmas

Vote for this video at the Pringles Jingles site!

Snowfun

Yeah, we know, we know. We've run articles about this virtual snowman maker before, but the truth is we love it and we love its creator, the marvelous Mike Whaite. So we'll continue posting about it until EVERYONE on the ENTIRE INTERNET has visited it. Like these three folks, who've submitted their fine efforts here:

Dirty Snow by Beennzzz of Stealthy Bean. Filth. Utter FILTH. (Excellent, 5/5)




Snow Globes by Olga, The Traveling Bra. Nice snowy peaks, there.




Manny, by Jack Ferguson. A snow-alien-cowboy. No, we don't know either.

And Now the Huey Lewis and the News

Over at Mattress Police, the ever-excellent Diesel has decided to give his blog a profound meaning and purpose, by campaigning to get Huey Lewis and the News back on constant rotation on radio stations across the land. We here at The Best Bit of the Internet fully support this cause, and urge you to join this important crusade. Need more convincing? How about this, then?...



You know what to do.

Finally

Finally, a bit of the internet we DID do. The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely sees the titular aristocrat embark upon a BRAND-NEW adventure, entitled the Curious Case of the Conjuring Calamity. Of course, the fact we did it makes it entirely brilliant, plus this is the perfect jumping on point for those foolish imbeciles who have yet to sample his lordship's delights. Join the adventure, here!

That's it. We're spent. BYEEEE!

- Fanton.

The Best Bits of the Internet that We Didn't Do

Although we here at The Best Bit of the Internet are generally responsible for all the best stuff on the web, sometimes other people do things that are not too bad, and definitely worth a look. So, sit back, relax and pull down your pants as we share with you some of the best bits of the internet that we didn't do, in our new weekly column we call:

The Best Bits of the Internet that We Didn't Do

Daveula

This short film, made as part of a university project by some friends of ours, asks that age-old question: what would you do if you thought your mate was a vampire? We've all been there, right? Writer/director/star Tom Butler has done a sterling job on a budget of three pounds fifty-five, and produced a funny film for you to enjoy now:



Although we did not make this film, we heartily endorse it anyway. Not least because we did do a bit of writing on it, and generously donated our old flat for some of the location filming. We're nice like that. Hooray!

Filthy Snowmen

People of high virtue and unquestionable morals are often referred to as being "as pure as the driven snow." Well, now they'll have to rewrite that particular phrase, as snow just got a lot more filthy thanks to animation genius Mike Whaite. You may recall us pointing you all in the direction of his excellent virtual snowman maker earlier in the week, and now we present you with the XXXX hardcore, adult version! Go and make some slutty snowmen and snowwomen right now - like this pornographic pair right here:



Disgusting!

Laurel and Hardy As You've Never Heard Them Before!

The Peter Serafinowicz Show concluded its run on BBC2 this week, causing us to all moan and wail with displeasure, as it was pretty much the only show on TV we tuned into regularly. Still, it was great while it lasted, featuring some really genius comic moments, such as this rather...colourful tribute to Laurel and Hardy. Enjoy!



So there you go. There is some other good stuff out there, after all.

BYE!

- Andy Fanton.

BNN: Terrorist Leader Skeletor Arrested

The Best News Network


Los Angeles, California

The War on Terror claimed another victory last night, after the sensational arrest of terrorist leader and skeletal super-villain Skeletor, following a sensational raid on his LA apartment, late last night.

Skeletor - real name Keldor - was led away in handcuffs by police, after officers were tipped off about his location by concerned neighbours.

Got him...an officer leads Skeletor to an awaiting police car.

"There had been a lot of loud music and shouting coming from his apartment," neighbour Jutt Firwad told BNN. "I went to complain about the noise, and couldn't believe my eyes when I saw Skeletor standing there, larger than life! He told me to f*** off, and waved a staff in my face, saying he was gonna zap me, so I ran back to my place and immediately called the cops."

The police arrived on the scene promptly, along with the FBI, and some SWAT teams. Mr. Skeletor apparently tried to evade capture by riding off on a large, purple panther, but police marksman shot the panther dead, leaving the fleshless felon stranded. Skeletor was then apprehended in a relatively quick and painless operation, although reports state that one police officer was partially disintegrated in the melee.

It is not known what Skeletor was doing in the USA, so far away from his Eternian lair on Snake Mountain, although evidence suggests that he may have arrived in LA to attend a meeting of a local Infinitist terror group.

Skeletor had eluded capture for many years, despite being on the FBI's Most Wanted list for the best part of two decades. He was wanted in connection with a series of attacks on the royal family of Eternia, as well as numerous counts of torture and cruelty. He was also believed to have possessed weapons of mass destruction, such as the Havoc Staff which was recovered on the scene last night.

President Bush was informed of the arrest in the early hours of this morning, and was said to have been "extremely relieved," and also spoke of a "great validation" for the ongoing War on Terror. Prince Adam of Eternia was also told of the arrest, and expressed his "sincere thanks and admiration" towards the American security forces, although Democrats are demanding that the President explains how such a high-profile terrorist figure could get into the country so easily.

Skeletor's arrest follows hot on the heels of the recent incarceration of Ram Man, one of Skeletor's many accomplices, who was arrested last month. The pair are currently being held in a high-security prison in California, awaiting trial.

More news as it comes.

The Best Fun: Build a Snowman Without Freezing Your Balls Off

So, it is November; the nights are getting darker, a chill fills the air and Winter's ice-cold hands will soon be upon us, like some kind of zombie bastard clawing at your face, trying to feast on your warm, squidgy brains.

But you know what else Winter brings, right? Yup - SNOW!

Snow is great fun. You can compact it into balls and hurl it at the heads of unsuspecting relatives, you can write your name in it or you can eat it in a desperate bid to stay alive when you find yourself trapped on a mountain, having already eaten your best friend who gave his life so that you might live. Ah, yes. Great times.

Another reason that snow is so fucking ace is that you can use it to make snowmen. Or snow-women. Or snow people-of-no-specific-gender, if you wish to be politically correct. You freak.

But what if you like to build snowmen, but don't like freezing your bits off in the ice-cold air? What if you are allergic to snow? What if snow terrifies you beyond all belief? What if snow killed your family? WHAT CAN YOU DO THEN?

Well, luckily help is at hand courtesy of the excellent Mr. Michael Whaite. Mike, as the more attentive among you might recall, is the frankly brilliant animator who worked with us on the pilot episode for our Carrotty Kid cartoon, which was bloody ace. And so is he.

Well, now Mike has come up with Snowfun, a brilliant way for you (yes, YOU) to build yourself a snowman online, without having to ever leave the warmth and comfort of your home, and without that annoyance of getting frostbite and DYING.

We here at The Best Bit of the Internet think Snowfun is cocking well fab. For example, we spent far too much time messing around with it earlier, to create these two lovely, snowy tributes to our very own Lord Likely, and his man-servant, Botter. BEHOLD:



Ah-hahaha! Boy, we are so funny.

If you think you're anywhere near as hilarious as we are, then...well, you're wrong, obviously. I mean look, we did a snowman pissing on another snowman! THAT'S FUCKING FUNNY! Still, if you insist that you too can make excellent virtual snowmen, then head on over to Snowfun, peruse the gallery and then put your gloves on and get building!

Feel free to share any of your doubtless hideous creations with us here, or by e-mailing us at andy fanton at google mail dot com

Have fun, you crazy kids. And wrap up warm.

- Mr. Andy Fanton.

Suck My Hollywood: Shove Your Pen Up Your Ass

So, the Writers Guild of America has called for strike action by its 12,000 members this Monday, all because they think writers should get more money or some such shit.

Fucking writers.

I've had nothing but fucking trouble with these pencil-dicked pen-pushers. I remember back in 1993, having a really rough fucking time trying to get a writer to stick to my vision for a movie I had greenlit called Tank vs Tank. It was an idea put to me by my good friend and fellow producer LeonHeimlich, about a crazed Soviet agent trashing downtown New York with a big, fuckin' tank. The only guy who could stop this crazy Commie was a US tank commander called Karl Tank, a bad-ass with a dark past and an addiction to crack cocaine. Cue lots of spectacular tank chases, shit blowin' up and Karl Tank fuckin' some chick on the roof of his tank. It was a license to print money, as far as I was concerned.

So, I sent the synopsis to this fresh, new writer called Teddy Lunge, who had just written an Oscar-nominated screenplay for a film called I Dream of Lenin for the Wankblast Brothers. I had heard good things about this kid.

I had been badly misled. The next day, I get a phone call from Lunge, who's going out of his mind. He moans at me for a good half an hour, saying he thinks that Karl Tank is "underwritten" and has no real depth to him.

"Depth?" I snorted down the phone. "If I wanted depth, I'd stick my dick in your mom's pussy! 'Depth?' I mean, what the fuck is wrong with you? It's a fucking popcorn flick, man."

"But I don't get the whole deal with the Soviet agent," this little shit wails on. "Why is he going on this rampage? He seems to be a simple stereotype, a cypher. He's nothing more than a blank screen for you to project some anti-Russian rhetoric."

"For fuck's sake, kid, did you shove a fuckin' dictionary up your ass or somethin'? Listen, I don't know what you're whinin' on about, but I will tell you this - all I want is a shit-load of explosions, some fucking kick-ass quips and maybe a comedy Irish cop. You'll fuckin' write what I fuckin' want, kid, if you wanna stay in the business."

Lunge hangs up and then a couple of days later I get a fucking gay-ass letter saying that he's bowing out of the project, citing 'creative differences.'

Yeah. Creative differences. The difference being, I'm a white-hot volcano of liquid creativity, and he's a fucking dick.

Anyway, I passed the project on to one of my regular guys, who turns in a fan-fucking-tastic script, (man, the line "Tanks for nothing!" still makes me piss my pants), and the film goes on to do stellar business at the Box Office. And where's Ted Lunge? Probably dead or something, I'd guess.

So fuck writers. If they wanna get a bigger slice of the profit, they gotta stop fuckin' whining all the goddamn time and do some actual fucking writin' for once.

And they gotta stop doubting my fucking genius.

- Vic Gallium.