God is angry. God is very angry. It doesn't pay to make God angry. You wouldn't like him when He's angry.
God is angry because, despite His best efforts, and all His hard work, some of you out there still refuse to touch yourself.
Look between your legs. Go on, get up off your chair, pull down your trousers (or lift up your skirts) and take a look.
See that thing between your legs? That is no accident of design. God did not slip with His Almighty Holy pencil while sketching out His blueprint for mankind. That thing is there for a reason. And no, I'm not referring to urination. Touch it. Touch it gently. Feel that pleasant sensation? That is God's way of telling you that you should touch yourself more often.
I hear fellow Christians claiming that touching yourself is a terrible, ugly sin. Those people are WRONG, and God shall strike them down. If God had meant for masturbation to be a sin, He would surely have made your genitals boiling hot to the touch, or made them shrivel up and fall off upon contact. But He did not do that, my friends. He made it feel nice to touch. He knew what he was doing. He was sending out a very clear signal - TOUCH YOURSELF.
Still some people did not get His message, so God went further. He put upon the land creatures so ravishing, so sexually attractive that simply seeing these people half-dressed would make you feel highly aroused, and want to touch yourself.
This fine-looking female was not put upon this Earth to further the cause of mankind, or help develop a cure for all disease. God had a place upon this Earth for people like her, and that place is in glossy magazines, lying around in varying states of undress, just to make you crave a quick wank.
Feel that urge rising up in your loins? Feel that desire to touch yourself? Do not fight it. Give in to it, for that is what He wants you to do. Do not listen to the naysayers who cry out that it is an evil temptation that must be ignored. God wants you to pound yourself raw, and expel your juices in sticky praise of His glorious work.
But still there are those that refuse to believe the truth. They decry the spilling of semen, claiming that it is a precious fluid, solely for the creation of babies. Once again, they are wrong, and God will kick them in the face in Heaven. Do you know how many sperm a man can produce in a lifetime? Millions upon millions. Do you really think that God intended for you to go forth and make millions of babies, clogging up our already overcrowded planet with their incessant whining and crying? Of course not, He is not stupid. He gave you plenty of spare sperm to spunk forth into fresh tissues, or old socks, or upon the back of a whore. It is all part of His great master plan.
So, do not fear yourself, dear readers. Proudly grab your penis, or explore your vagina, and give thanks to the Lord for His glorious creation.
Just remember to clean up afterwards. God has no patience for filth.
- Reverend B.J Hades, The Church of the Hairy Palm.
1 comment:
Well, I would agree that you have very good taste.
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