Anthology of Awful: Terror Tree

Trees.

They are our giant, wooden friends, providing us with the very air we breathe, our shelter and our firewood. There is nothing at all BAD about trees, is there?

Or is there?

For Janet Hotpoint, a housewife from Dorchester, a tree was to prove to be something altogether more sinister...

Janet Hotpoint was a receptionist at a busy PR firm, a job which kept her terribly busy during the day, and which left here exhausted by the time the evening set in. Suffice to say, Miss Hotpoint was eager to collapse into her bed after a hard day's receptioning, and drift off to a peaceful slumber.

On this occasion, however, peaceful was the very thing her slumber would not be. For, at around midnight, she was suddenly awoken by a tapping upon the bedroom window.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Janet Hotpoint sat bolt upright, her heart pounding in her chest. What was that awful noise? Was there someone at her window, trying to break in? Was it a phantom, trying to drive her from her home? Or, worse still, could it be a murderous, zombie woodpecker, attempting to break in and feast on her flesh?

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Janet Hotpoint began to panic, her mind racing with awful thoughts. What was that noise?

Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.

The noise was occurring more frequently now, building to a frantic cacophony as if someone - or something - was desperately trying to gain entrance.

Taptaptaptaptaptaptaptap.

Janet flung back her duvet, and picked up a baseball bat next to her bed. The bat had been a gift from an ex-boyfriend, despite the fact she hated the game and had not expressed any interest in learning the sport. Now, however, she was grateful for it, as she grasped it firmly with both hands and advanced towards the window, ready to smash in the face of whatever demonic entity was trying to force entry into her bedroom.

Taptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptap.

Janet Hotpoint braced herself as she neared the source of the terrifying taping. She took a deep breath, held the bat up, and flung open the curtains.

She gasped.

There, on the other side of the window, was a tree. Just a tree.

Just a tree?

For Janet Hotpoint, there was no such thing as 'just a tree', for she suffered from dendrophobia, a crippling fear of trees. As the tree continued to sway in the breeze, its long, dark branches reaching out and tapping the glass of the window, Janet screamed, turned and ran from her room in terror.

She never did venture back into her room, until she got the tree cut down a week later by a gardener. But some nights, when she was alone in the dark, she could swear that she could still the gnarled form of that tree, clawing at the window with it's fearsome wooden fingers....

A fear of trees? You may scoff, dear reader, but fear can take many forms. Some people are even afraid of words...

Sleep well, dear readers...if you can.

Hahahahahahaahahahahaha!

- The Book-Keeper.

The Shits' O Clock News: Breaking Wind

Jamaica, the Americas.

Jamaica is bracing itself for the onslaught of Hurricane Dean, as the big fucking storm heads straight towards the Caribbean.

The country is on full alert as the 145 mph winds advance onwards from the Caribbean Sea, having already ravaged parts of the Eastern Caribbean, blowing shit over, smashing stuff and generally causing a right fucking mess.

A woman prepares herself for the oncoming storm, by putting up her umbrella.

Meteorologists are helpfully warning that the hurricane, due to strike in the next few hours, could be "potentially catastrophic", as opposed to one of those fucking hurricanes which are "potentially lovely and nice."

The US is also on full alert and standing by, ready to fly in aid when the storm strikes, "if necessary". How they define "necessary" is not yet clear, but from the shitty, slow response to Hurricane Katrina two years ago, Jamaican authorities are not holding their breath.

Hurricane Dean - probably named after Eastenders' star Dean Gaffney - was unavailable for comment. The big, windy bastard.

- Report filed by our Weather Reporter, Sonny Skies.

The Shits' O Clock News: US Cut Rates or Something

New York, USA

Economies worldwide showed signs of recovery this morning, following the cock-awful stock market crash on Thursday which saw billions of dollars wiped off of share prices, causing many rich cunts to drop their cigars in horror, and leading to some even spurting out a mouthful of champagne, as they saw their shares tumble to the ground like a whore's knickers.

In order to reverse the decline of that terrible day - now known as 'Shit Thursday' by traders - the US Federal Reserve cut the rate at which it lends to commercial banks, or some such shit that we don't fully understand, to be honest.

Whatever the fuck they did, it seemed to help, and the 0.5% cut saw shares open higher in Wall Street, London and across Europe.

Some bastard looking like someone shat in his sandwich.

"I'm fucking relieved," one stock market trader told the Shits O'Clock News. "I was about ready to jump out of a fucking window. But now, I won't have to. I probably wouldn't have anyway, as this suit is quite expensive."

Miserable cunt analysts warn that the markets are from stable yet, and that recent turmoil could yet be resumed, or have a further effect on national economies.

"I'm fucking warning you," said one analyst.


In other news: Chocolate manufacturers Cadburys are set to reintroduce Wispa chocolate bars to UK shops, following tremendous online support from thousands of fat bastards on the internet.

- Report filed by our business correspondent, Halifax Card.

Closing For Business

Bad news, everybody!

The Best Bit of the Internet is to be no more, as we have been bought out by a sinister, clandestine lovely new corporation called gaup enterprises, inc., an organisation which allegedly definitely produces some of the finest comedy blogs on the internet.


As they snap up us, Lord Likely, i done a comic and The Carrotty Kid, in their eagerness to hold a monopoly on all laughter ever, we have been told that we will be closed down, to make way for their own blog here.

Obviously this is terrible news, but apparently all the old stuff you loved (or hated) will now be available through their website, so you can still be guaranteed to get yer chuckles there.

So, we're done for. We'd just like to thank you all for humouring us as we humour you, and before we go we'd just like to take a moment to say something to our new owners: you're a bunch of complete and utter (post terminated by gaup enterprises, inc.)

Movie Review: The Simpsons Movie

The Simpsons Movie, Cert. PG, 87 minutes, dir: David Silverman.

The Simpsons finally make the leap to the silver screen...or should that be the YELLOW screen (as they are yellow)?

No, you're probably right.

Anyway, The Simpsons Movie is here at last, is the general gist of what I'm trying to say, and happily I can also add to that the following: it's good. Very good.

When Lake Springfield's levels of pollution reach alarmingly dangerous heights, Springield is put on 'Code Black' . ("Code black? Oh, man. Black's the worst colour," says Lennny, before turning to Karl and adding, "...no offence.") This means that the lake is out of bounds as a dumping ground for the town's inhabitants, but of course, while the townsfolk adhere to this new rule, it only takes one certain Homer J. Simpson to shun the new rule, leaving Springfield to be ruled as an environmental danger and placed under a large dome....cue antics.

This film is a slender 87 minutes long, and rolls along at a fair old pace, never once letting up with it's barrage of visual comedy (especially Bart's nude skateboarding scene), well-written gags, satire and downright stupidity. While it is true to say that it does pretty much feel like a feature-length episode, it's a GOOD full-length episode, thanks to the writers being largely those responsible for penning the show during it's 'golden period', as opposed to those pushing the pens as it gradually declined. So, we get a more emotional story, with a strong, family theme, as opposed to a wacky 'What'll Homer do next???'- type tale that has plagued the later series'. Although, having said that, he does get up to plenty of ker-azy shenanigans.

The animation is excellent, largely eschewing fancy CGI for the rough-and-ready 2D style of the TV series, occasionally enlivened with some 3D effects in a manner similar to Futurama. It looks lovely, and is never overbearing or poorly executed.

The film is not perfect, however and some characters - such as Lisa's love interest - seem superfluous, but then again creator Matt Groening has hinted that events in the film will lead into the next season of the show, so maybe more will become of them then. Also, some of the supporting cast are rather noticeable by their absence. Mr. Burns, for example, is not used as much as I'd have liked, but with such an extensive repertoire of minor players to choose from, there's always going to be someone's favourite who has been sidelined.

Overall then, this does pretty much exactly what you'd expect from a Simpsons Movie: it's The Simpsons, in a movie, and it's top-quality Simpsons at that, with many genuine laugh-out-loud moments. If the movie is anything to go by, The Simpsons have rediscovered their mojo, which is good news for the future of the series.

Best Bit of the Internet Rate-O-Matic: 8/10.

The Best Bit of the Internet reserves the right to change our opinions after further views of the movie, or if it seems everyone else disagrees, and we decide to change our mind to fit in better with the cool kids.

The Carrotty Kid Returns With A Vengance Again

Hello!

Crazy Kids Productions is proud(ish) to unleash the all-new, all-singing, all-karate-ing Carrotty Kid website onto the internet.

Click the banner below for a fine selection of kung-fu comics, games and cartoons.


We hope you get a KICK out of it. Hahaha! Kick.

Popmash: Mr. Benn-y Hill

Watch this, laugh, repeat:



Enjoy more Popmashing over at the all-new, all-singing, all-dancing, all-mashing Popmash site!

Go there, NOW!