New York, USA
Economies worldwide showed signs of recovery this morning, following the cock-awful stock market crash on Thursday which saw billions of dollars wiped off of share prices, causing many rich cunts to drop their cigars in horror, and leading to some even spurting out a mouthful of champagne, as they saw their shares tumble to the ground like a whore's knickers.
In order to reverse the decline of that terrible day - now known as 'Shit Thursday' by traders - the US Federal Reserve cut the rate at which it lends to commercial banks, or some such shit that we don't fully understand, to be honest.
Whatever the fuck they did, it seemed to help, and the 0.5% cut saw shares open higher in Wall Street, London and across Europe.
Some bastard looking like someone shat in his sandwich. "I'm fucking relieved," one stock market trader told the Shits O'Clock News. "I was about ready to jump out of a fucking window. But now, I won't have to. I probably wouldn't have anyway, as this suit is quite expensive."
Miserable cunt analysts warn that the markets are from stable yet, and that recent turmoil could yet be resumed, or have a further effect on national economies.
"I'm fucking warning you," said one analyst.
In other news: Chocolate manufacturers Cadburys are set to reintroduce Wispa chocolate bars to UK shops, following tremendous online support from thousands of fat bastards on the internet.
- Report filed by our business correspondent, Halifax Card.
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