Hello, and welcome back to The Best Bit of the Internet!
Yes, like a sexy phoenix from the flames, The Best Bit of the Internet has risen once more, nearly two months after being shot dead by trained assassins.
With so many (fucking BRILLIANT) ideas bubbling away in our collective heads, we here at Crazy Kids Productions (that's us) decided that rather than constantly making new blogs and sites for everything (only for them to then go unattended for months when we get bored of the idea), we'd much rather just reinstate The Best Bit of the Internet to house them all again, under one roof. ONE REALLY EXCELLENT ROOF!
Just below this post (probably one of the BEST posts you've ever read, right?) you'll find new Anthology of Awful, Take Life From Behind, and Carrotty Kid; as well as all-new additions to the Best Bit roster, like Stink Crescent Meadows, Suck My Hollywood and The Shits O'Clock News.
Bloody hell, there's some good stuff right there.
So: we're back. Keep watching this very space for more best bits - and tell your friends that The Best Bit of the Internet is back, back, BACK!
HOORAY!
Friday, 21 September 2007
The Best is Back!
The Carrotty Kid: Cobbzilla - The Animation!
Hey, best buddies!
Regular followers of The Best Bit of the Internet may have heard us go on about our web-comic The Carrotty Kid, and may well have seen the fantastic pilot episode (and then pooped yourself with delight), but now we present to you more animated carrot fun, with the carrotty cartoon we call 'Cobbzilla', once again animated by the supremely delicious Mike Whaite.
Click the image below to enjoy the first part of this cartoon EPIC - and enjoy!
For more Carrotty Kid, skip on over to his website at www.thecarrottykid.co.uk - or TASTE the PAIN.
Suck My Hollywood: Son of a Pitch
There's an old saying in Hollywood - "If you're gonna fuck a chick, make sure sure she has no dick." Which is real good goddamn advice, but that's not what I wanna talk about today.
The old saying I'm talking about is this: "If you wanna get rich, learn how to pitch". This is abso-fucking-lutely true.
In this town, you can have the best fucking idea for a movie ever, but if you can't present it to some suited-up cunt in the boardroom, then you're fucked. Learning to pitch your idea in a way that makes anyone who hears it instantly cum in their pants is the key to success in Hollywood.
I've been pitching shit for years now, ever since I was a wide-eyed kid trying to break into the industry. I can still remember my first successful pitch back in the Eighties, when I pitched the idea for Kick Doctor to the head of Felch Films, Jeff Spazzmeyer. "He's a doctor," I said, "and he knows martial arts. He gets fed up of tending to the victims of a gang war in his city, so he goes out to kick some butt and sort shit out. It's General Hospital meets Kung-Fu! It's Quincy meets Enter the Dragon! He's taking prescriptions - and dishing out PAIN!"
Well, Spazzmeyer couldn't get his check book out quick enough, and soon we had my first blockbuster hit, taking a cool $76 million at the Box Office. I had fucking arrived, and it was all thanks to pitching my ass off like a motherfucker.
I may not be so young any more (but I'm still fucking shit-hot sexy), but I haven't lost my pitching skills. Only last week I successfully pitched an idea for a new action flick called Gutbuster, to the heads of Pissflap Pictures. "Terrorists have found a way to shrink themselves down to a microscopic size." I said, excitedly. "A whole bunch of them get themselves injected into the President's backside, and are threatening to explode the President from within unless their crazy demands are met. Only one ex-marine, John Muffdiver, is willing to get himself shrunk down and inserted into the President's ass to take on these terrorist scum. It's Innerspace meets Commando - Muffdiver's beating the shit out of terrorists, and beating the terrorists out of the shit. He's kicking ass inside an ass!"
Pissflap promptly bought the idea, and hope to fast-track this bad boy for a spring 2008 release, with Vin Diesel to star.
I've still fucking got it, cocksuckers.
- Vic Gallium.
Ray the Otter - Kitty
For a whole bunch more Ray, visit i done a comic today!
The Shits O'Clock News: Opinion Box
The recent suicide attempt by Zoolander and Royal Tenenbaums star Owen Wilson is obviously a terrible and tragic event, but what do YOU think about it? The Shits O'Clock News hit the streets to find out.
"It's a cocking disgrace," said Mr. Marty Fuck, a dick polisher from Verwood in Dorset. "Why did it have to be poor Owen Wilson? He is brilliant, and has a fantastic wonky nose. Why couldn't it have been someone shit, like Rob Schneider or Martin Lawrence? It's fucking crazy."
This statement was echoed by a Miss Lucy Plops, of Birmingham. "A cunt like Vinnie Jones or the Wayans brothers should have been in that hospital now, driven to slashing their wrists in the realisation that they do nothing but inflict utterly shit movies on the movie-going public. Owen Wilson is too ace to be there."
Owen Wilson - 'excellent'."If there was any justice in the world, Jude Law would have not only overdosed on drugs, but then ran onto some train tracks and exploded under the wheels of an oncoming freight train. It definitely should not have been Owen Wilson, who is brill," said Mr. Alan Mirkin, a horse fucker from Somerset.
"I cannot believe that Kate Hudson ditched Owen for Dax Shepard, who is the very definition of wank," Mr. Kenneth Hedgerow, a retired rapist from London told Opinion Box. "Did you see Employee of the Month? Absolute toss. He should have sucked an exhaust pipe the moment he signed up for Without A Paddle."
So, there you have it, the Great British public have spoken, and what do they say?
Owen Wilson is fucking excellent. Join in the discussion today, in the comments section.
- Report filed by Sir Renchard Likely
Suck My Hollywood: FUCK Hollywood
Fuck Hollywood.
Yeah, that's right. That's what I said. Fuck Hollywood. Hey, that's what I do, each and every motherfuckin' day. I take Hollywood, lift up Hollywood's skirt, pull down Hollywood's panties and fuck it hard on my desk. And I don't stop fuckin' until Hollywood is my fuckin' BITCH.
Hey, you don't like it? Then fuck you too.
I'm Vic Gallium, Hollywood super-producer. You all know the name. You know when people say, "Yo! He's the man!" Well, I'm the motherfuckin' man they're talkin' about. Me. I'm THE man. The man behind such big-cocked, huge-balled movies as Jet Cops, Bent Steel, Tank vs Tank, Shoot First (and it's sequel, Shoot Second), Punching Hard, Kick Doctor, Crankshaft and Double Barreled Bastard - all of which have netted a shit-kickin' $3.5 billion dollars at the box office. So yeah, damn fuckin' straight I'm the man.
Over the next few weeks or months or however fuckin' long I keep this shit going, I'll be taking you all behind the scenes of movie land. I'll be liftin' up Hollywood's skirt so you can all get a good look at her crudded up pussy. So hang on to your hats, guys - it's gonna be one Hell of a motherfuckin' ride.
Later.
- Vic Gallium.
