Lord Likely: 'Things I Have Stabbed, Part One'

March 21st, 1856

As an aristocrat, with money and time in plentiful supply, I like to indulge in various hobbies and entertainments.

One of my favourite past-times is fencing, and many an afternoon I can be found, waving my weapon in another man's face.

I own my very own fencing sword, the use of which is not restricted to sport, I must confess.

Indeed, I like to keep my sword on me at all times, to fend off foes I encounter on my astonishing adventures, or simply to stab things for my own amusement. Here now follows a list of just some of the things that have felt the end of my weapon, and why:

A Wretched Mugger: On the way home from the theatre one evening, I was accosted by an unpleasant chap who wished to relieve me of my valuables. Feeling strongly that this loathsome creature had not done anything worthy to be in possession of such riches as mine, I refused. This angered the yob, who then came at me with a knife. I whipped out my sword, and stabbed him in the leg. He staggered off in much pain, and my solid-gold pocket-watch and I were not parted.

It was quite a night for my young, six-year old self.

Major Chudd-Fuddle: For a period of some three weeks, I courted a lady called Elizabeth Tallytugg, a beautiful creature with smooth, creamy-white skin, a slender, shapely neck and the sort of tits you would be more than happy to allow to smother you to death.

One afternoon, upon deciding to surprise Elizabeth, I arrived at her home only to catch her in bed with Major Chudd-Fuddle, an awful, obese man with a terrible red face. He was balls-deep in Elizabeth's mimsy, so to express my outrage and displeasure, I stabbed Chudd-Fuddle in the bollocks.

He hasn't fathered any children since.

A Beggar: Just because I hate beggars. Bastards, one and all.

I shall continue and conclude this list tomorrow. Now I must go and tend to my blade .

- Lord Likely.