The Grim Reaper of Blogs

Death.

He comes to all us all in the end, scythe in hand, ready to help us shuffle off this mortal coil whether we want to or not.

What a dick.

For The Best Bit of the Internet, today heralds the day the Grim Reaper of Blogs reaches out with his mighty weapon (no laughing at the back, there. This is serious) and extinguishes all life from the poor, old blog.

Which is a rather noncy , puffed-up way of saying I'm no longer updating this site.

It was fun while it lasted, but now The Best Bit of the Internet has outlived its purpose. I'm far too busy writing The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely and my personal blog, Digital Sickbag to even care about this place any more.

I know, its sad.

Still, whilst The Best Bit of the Internet crumbles into ashes, something else will rise from them - Phoenix-like - and issue forth new life and new possibilities...

Which is a rather noncy, puffed-up way of saying I've got a new site in the works. Look at this:

Intrigued? No? WELL YOU BLOODY SHALL BE.

gaup hits the net very soon, like a sledgehammer of SODDING BRILLIANCE.

So forget this dive. Let's get out of here. I'll meet you somewhere else on the internet, at some other best place.

BYE!

- Fanton.

Still the Best

Hello! We're still here!

We haven't all fled to the Caribbean, or been swallowed by sharks or anything, in case you're wondering. We've just been busy, is all. Geez, give us a break already. No, YOU shut up. Shut up. SHUT UP.

That's it! We're going to mother's.

While we're at mother's, sobbing away and eating ice cream by the gallon, you might like to visit our other spectacular sites, where we've been as busy as ever:

The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely - the exhilarating, erotically-charged exploits of a Victorian aristocrat.

The Carrotty Kid - kung-fu carrot based cartoons.

Digital Sickbag - the virtual vomitings of some sickly sod.

i done a comic - foul-mouthed comic strip fun.

We shall return!

See you soon!

The Best Bits of the Internet that We Didn't Do 2

Hello and welcome again to The Best Bit of the Internet's 'The Best Bits of the Internet that We Didn't Do...2'! (APPLAUSE, CHEERING).

Right! Without further ado, here are some things we've found on the internet that we didn't do, but are still Quite Good nonetheless. Soooooo....

Pringle Bells

Some of our good chums are in a band, and as such they like to make music. One of the musics they made recently was a Christmas-themed jingle for everyone's favourite tube-based snack, Pringles, as part of a competition run by the crunchy crisp corporation. Below is the band's masterpiece, set to a lovely animated video involving snowmen. And crisps. Watch it, love it, and then why not vote for it on the Pringles site, so that they might win and maybe treat us to a delicious Pringle. Do it, or little baby Christ will cry for all infinity.

Crispy Christmas

Vote for this video at the Pringles Jingles site!

Snowfun

Yeah, we know, we know. We've run articles about this virtual snowman maker before, but the truth is we love it and we love its creator, the marvelous Mike Whaite. So we'll continue posting about it until EVERYONE on the ENTIRE INTERNET has visited it. Like these three folks, who've submitted their fine efforts here:

Dirty Snow by Beennzzz of Stealthy Bean. Filth. Utter FILTH. (Excellent, 5/5)




Snow Globes by Olga, The Traveling Bra. Nice snowy peaks, there.




Manny, by Jack Ferguson. A snow-alien-cowboy. No, we don't know either.

And Now the Huey Lewis and the News

Over at Mattress Police, the ever-excellent Diesel has decided to give his blog a profound meaning and purpose, by campaigning to get Huey Lewis and the News back on constant rotation on radio stations across the land. We here at The Best Bit of the Internet fully support this cause, and urge you to join this important crusade. Need more convincing? How about this, then?...



You know what to do.

Finally

Finally, a bit of the internet we DID do. The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely sees the titular aristocrat embark upon a BRAND-NEW adventure, entitled the Curious Case of the Conjuring Calamity. Of course, the fact we did it makes it entirely brilliant, plus this is the perfect jumping on point for those foolish imbeciles who have yet to sample his lordship's delights. Join the adventure, here!

That's it. We're spent. BYEEEE!

- Fanton.

The Best Fun: Build a Snowman Without Freezing Your Balls Off

So, it is November; the nights are getting darker, a chill fills the air and Winter's ice-cold hands will soon be upon us, like some kind of zombie bastard clawing at your face, trying to feast on your warm, squidgy brains.

But you know what else Winter brings, right? Yup - SNOW!

Snow is great fun. You can compact it into balls and hurl it at the heads of unsuspecting relatives, you can write your name in it or you can eat it in a desperate bid to stay alive when you find yourself trapped on a mountain, having already eaten your best friend who gave his life so that you might live. Ah, yes. Great times.

Another reason that snow is so fucking ace is that you can use it to make snowmen. Or snow-women. Or snow people-of-no-specific-gender, if you wish to be politically correct. You freak.

But what if you like to build snowmen, but don't like freezing your bits off in the ice-cold air? What if you are allergic to snow? What if snow terrifies you beyond all belief? What if snow killed your family? WHAT CAN YOU DO THEN?

Well, luckily help is at hand courtesy of the excellent Mr. Michael Whaite. Mike, as the more attentive among you might recall, is the frankly brilliant animator who worked with us on the pilot episode for our Carrotty Kid cartoon, which was bloody ace. And so is he.

Well, now Mike has come up with Snowfun, a brilliant way for you (yes, YOU) to build yourself a snowman online, without having to ever leave the warmth and comfort of your home, and without that annoyance of getting frostbite and DYING.

We here at The Best Bit of the Internet think Snowfun is cocking well fab. For example, we spent far too much time messing around with it earlier, to create these two lovely, snowy tributes to our very own Lord Likely, and his man-servant, Botter. BEHOLD:



Ah-hahaha! Boy, we are so funny.

If you think you're anywhere near as hilarious as we are, then...well, you're wrong, obviously. I mean look, we did a snowman pissing on another snowman! THAT'S FUCKING FUNNY! Still, if you insist that you too can make excellent virtual snowmen, then head on over to Snowfun, peruse the gallery and then put your gloves on and get building!

Feel free to share any of your doubtless hideous creations with us here, or by e-mailing us at andy fanton at google mail dot com

Have fun, you crazy kids. And wrap up warm.

- Mr. Andy Fanton.

Closing For Business

Bad news, everybody!

The Best Bit of the Internet is to be no more, as we have been bought out by a sinister, clandestine lovely new corporation called gaup enterprises, inc., an organisation which allegedly definitely produces some of the finest comedy blogs on the internet.


As they snap up us, Lord Likely, i done a comic and The Carrotty Kid, in their eagerness to hold a monopoly on all laughter ever, we have been told that we will be closed down, to make way for their own blog here.

Obviously this is terrible news, but apparently all the old stuff you loved (or hated) will now be available through their website, so you can still be guaranteed to get yer chuckles there.

So, we're done for. We'd just like to thank you all for humouring us as we humour you, and before we go we'd just like to take a moment to say something to our new owners: you're a bunch of complete and utter (post terminated by gaup enterprises, inc.)

Lord Likely: 'Things I Have Stabbed, Part Two'

22nd March 1856

More things I have stabbed with my trusty fencing sword, over the years...

A Grizzly Bear: When a Chinese Circus (bearing the slogan 'Where Animals Are Beaten For Your Pleasure!') came to town, I was reluctantly dragged along to witness the awful spectacle by a friend of mine, Lord John Ratzenberger, who loved circuses a bit too much, as far as I was concerned.

So we adjourned to the circus, and readied ourselves for an evening of so-called entertainment.

The event passed predictably enough, with a procession of gaudily-dressed, smug wankers carrying out tedious feats of 'danger', until one particular act began, involving a grizzly bear juggling. The bear was clearly as interested in performing as I was in watching, which is to say not very interested at all. His trainer persisted, throwing juggling balls at the poor creature until it finally snapped, and lunged at the man, and bit his hand clean off.

From there, pandemonium ensued, as the bear turned his attention to the audience and began running amok in the stalls. Finally sensing some adventure and excitement, I raced down to join in the fracas and tried to placate the animal, by stabbing him in the head with my sword.

This was an uncharacteristically bad idea on my part, and I was rewarded by a swift paw to the face, which sent me reeling back, dropping my blade in the process.

Weaponless, I decided to take the bear on bare-handed, while he himself remained bear-handed, and so we fought. Fisticuffs with a ferocious bear was, undoubtedly, the most exciting event on the play-bill that night.

I eventually triumphed over the creature, by kicking him in the stomach, then delivering a swift upper-cut to his furry jaw. The animal fell back, knocked out-cold by my powerful swing.

To conclude the night, I stabbed Ratzenberger for daring to bring me along to such a terrible show. He never invited me along again, thank God.

Botter: I have stabbed Botter countless times, as there really is nothing like a sharp-point to the torso to jolt a man-servant into action.

One particular time stays in the memory, when Botter had failed to adequately clean one of my swords.

"Botter," I said, in my sternest tone, "this blade is not sufficiently cleansed. There is still grime and shit all over it."

"Shit?" said Botter.

"Yes, Botter, shit." Then I jammed the blade into Botter's unsuspecting posterior, causing him to yelp in pain. To add further to the comedy, he then flailed around the drawing-room, sword still embedded in his anus, knocking things over with the handle as he stumbled about.

Of course, I made him pick up and clean everything he knocked over, which he did despite the sword still resting in his awful hide.

I did not allow it to be removed for a further three hours.

Another Beggar: They really are cunts, you know.

- Lord Likely.

More Lord Likely...

Lord Likely: 'Things I Have Stabbed, Part One'

March 21st, 1856

As an aristocrat, with money and time in plentiful supply, I like to indulge in various hobbies and entertainments.

One of my favourite past-times is fencing, and many an afternoon I can be found, waving my weapon in another man's face.

I own my very own fencing sword, the use of which is not restricted to sport, I must confess.

Indeed, I like to keep my sword on me at all times, to fend off foes I encounter on my astonishing adventures, or simply to stab things for my own amusement. Here now follows a list of just some of the things that have felt the end of my weapon, and why:

A Wretched Mugger: On the way home from the theatre one evening, I was accosted by an unpleasant chap who wished to relieve me of my valuables. Feeling strongly that this loathsome creature had not done anything worthy to be in possession of such riches as mine, I refused. This angered the yob, who then came at me with a knife. I whipped out my sword, and stabbed him in the leg. He staggered off in much pain, and my solid-gold pocket-watch and I were not parted.

It was quite a night for my young, six-year old self.

Major Chudd-Fuddle: For a period of some three weeks, I courted a lady called Elizabeth Tallytugg, a beautiful creature with smooth, creamy-white skin, a slender, shapely neck and the sort of tits you would be more than happy to allow to smother you to death.

One afternoon, upon deciding to surprise Elizabeth, I arrived at her home only to catch her in bed with Major Chudd-Fuddle, an awful, obese man with a terrible red face. He was balls-deep in Elizabeth's mimsy, so to express my outrage and displeasure, I stabbed Chudd-Fuddle in the bollocks.

He hasn't fathered any children since.

A Beggar: Just because I hate beggars. Bastards, one and all.

I shall continue and conclude this list tomorrow. Now I must go and tend to my blade .

- Lord Likely.