Suck My Hollywood: Shove Your Pen Up Your Ass

So, the Writers Guild of America has called for strike action by its 12,000 members this Monday, all because they think writers should get more money or some such shit.

Fucking writers.

I've had nothing but fucking trouble with these pencil-dicked pen-pushers. I remember back in 1993, having a really rough fucking time trying to get a writer to stick to my vision for a movie I had greenlit called Tank vs Tank. It was an idea put to me by my good friend and fellow producer LeonHeimlich, about a crazed Soviet agent trashing downtown New York with a big, fuckin' tank. The only guy who could stop this crazy Commie was a US tank commander called Karl Tank, a bad-ass with a dark past and an addiction to crack cocaine. Cue lots of spectacular tank chases, shit blowin' up and Karl Tank fuckin' some chick on the roof of his tank. It was a license to print money, as far as I was concerned.

So, I sent the synopsis to this fresh, new writer called Teddy Lunge, who had just written an Oscar-nominated screenplay for a film called I Dream of Lenin for the Wankblast Brothers. I had heard good things about this kid.

I had been badly misled. The next day, I get a phone call from Lunge, who's going out of his mind. He moans at me for a good half an hour, saying he thinks that Karl Tank is "underwritten" and has no real depth to him.

"Depth?" I snorted down the phone. "If I wanted depth, I'd stick my dick in your mom's pussy! 'Depth?' I mean, what the fuck is wrong with you? It's a fucking popcorn flick, man."

"But I don't get the whole deal with the Soviet agent," this little shit wails on. "Why is he going on this rampage? He seems to be a simple stereotype, a cypher. He's nothing more than a blank screen for you to project some anti-Russian rhetoric."

"For fuck's sake, kid, did you shove a fuckin' dictionary up your ass or somethin'? Listen, I don't know what you're whinin' on about, but I will tell you this - all I want is a shit-load of explosions, some fucking kick-ass quips and maybe a comedy Irish cop. You'll fuckin' write what I fuckin' want, kid, if you wanna stay in the business."

Lunge hangs up and then a couple of days later I get a fucking gay-ass letter saying that he's bowing out of the project, citing 'creative differences.'

Yeah. Creative differences. The difference being, I'm a white-hot volcano of liquid creativity, and he's a fucking dick.

Anyway, I passed the project on to one of my regular guys, who turns in a fan-fucking-tastic script, (man, the line "Tanks for nothing!" still makes me piss my pants), and the film goes on to do stellar business at the Box Office. And where's Ted Lunge? Probably dead or something, I'd guess.

So fuck writers. If they wanna get a bigger slice of the profit, they gotta stop fuckin' whining all the goddamn time and do some actual fucking writin' for once.

And they gotta stop doubting my fucking genius.

- Vic Gallium.

Suck My Hollywood: What the Fuck is Wrong with Cuba Gooding Jr?

Once every two months, my ex-wife and all-round bitch Loretta lets me spend a weekend with our son, 8 year-old Tad.

Tad is a really good fucking kid, who is already just fucking nuts about movies. The little son-of-a-bitch is gonna grow up to be a sexy, Hollywood super-producer just like his dad, I swear.

So, last weekend I took Tad to see that fucking Daddy Day Camp, a sequel of sorts to that shitty Eddie Murphy flick, Daddy Day Care. It was a piece of shit movie, predictable and stupid and just...well, shit. Even Tad said it was, "more painful than a fissure in the ass." (He's a bright kid, is Tad). Daddy Day Camp marks the umpteenth consecutive crappy role for Cuba Gooding Jr, who's career seems to have gone down the toilet quicker than Godzilla's first shit of the day.

I mean, what the fuck is wrong with Cuba Gooding Jr, anyway? Since picking up an Oscar for his performance in Jerry Maguire, the asshole has churned out dud after dud after dud. He did that crappy gay boat film, that one where he has some fucking huskies, and that fucking Eddie Murphy crap-fest Norbit. (Murphy's another asshole who seems to make more shit than a thousand diarrheatic camels). I mean, c'mon! Does the guy ever bother to read the fucking scripts he gets sent? Does he just love making shitty movies? Or was he just a dick all along, and no-one noticed before?

I remember the time I offered him a role in my 1998 blockbuster Crankshaft. He turned down the part of 'second mechanic in cafeteria' because he wanted to play "more substantial, significant roles". Shortly afterwards, the asshole appeared in that God-awful Robin Williams picture (another asshole, by the way), What Dreams May Come. I had the last laugh though, when Crankshaft fucking buried that sappy piece of shit at the box office.

Still, I'm not one to hold a grudge, and if Cuba Gooding Jr ever wants to appear in a movie that isn't a heap of fucking shit, I'll gladly offer him another part. Otherwise, he should stick to making shit, and hand his Oscar back to the Academy, or shove it up his own stupid ass.

- Vic Gallium.

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Suck My Hollywood: Son of a Pitch

There's an old saying in Hollywood - "If you're gonna fuck a chick, make sure sure she has no dick." Which is real good goddamn advice, but that's not what I wanna talk about today.

The old saying I'm talking about is this: "If you wanna get rich, learn how to pitch". This is abso-fucking-lutely true.

In this town, you can have the best fucking idea for a movie ever, but if you can't present it to some suited-up cunt in the boardroom, then you're fucked. Learning to pitch your idea in a way that makes anyone who hears it instantly cum in their pants is the key to success in Hollywood.


I've been pitching shit for years now, ever since I was a wide-eyed kid trying to break into the industry. I can still remember my first successful pitch back in the Eighties, when I pitched the idea for Kick Doctor to the head of Felch Films, Jeff Spazzmeyer. "He's a doctor," I said, "and he knows martial arts. He gets fed up of tending to the victims of a gang war in his city, so he goes out to kick some butt and sort shit out. It's General Hospital meets Kung-Fu! It's Quincy meets Enter the Dragon! He's taking prescriptions - and dishing out PAIN!"

Well, Spazzmeyer couldn't get his check book out quick enough, and soon we had my first blockbuster hit, taking a cool $76 million at the Box Office. I had fucking arrived, and it was all thanks to pitching my ass off like a motherfucker.

I may not be so young any more (but I'm still fucking shit-hot sexy), but I haven't lost my pitching skills. Only last week I successfully pitched an idea for a new action flick called Gutbuster, to the heads of Pissflap Pictures. "Terrorists have found a way to shrink themselves down to a microscopic size." I said, excitedly. "A whole bunch of them get themselves injected into the President's backside, and are threatening to explode the President from within unless their crazy demands are met. Only one ex-marine, John Muffdiver, is willing to get himself shrunk down and inserted into the President's ass to take on these terrorist scum. It's Innerspace meets Commando - Muffdiver's beating the shit out of terrorists, and beating the terrorists out of the shit. He's kicking ass inside an ass!"

Pissflap promptly bought the idea, and hope to fast-track this bad boy for a spring 2008 release, with Vin Diesel to star.

I've still fucking got it, cocksuckers.

- Vic Gallium.

Suck My Hollywood: FUCK Hollywood

Fuck Hollywood.

Yeah, that's right. That's what I said. Fuck Hollywood. Hey, that's what I do, each and every motherfuckin' day. I take Hollywood, lift up Hollywood's skirt, pull down Hollywood's panties and fuck it hard on my desk. And I don't stop fuckin' until Hollywood is my fuckin' BITCH.

Hey, you don't like it? Then fuck you too.


I'm Vic Gallium, Hollywood super-producer. You all know the name. You know when people say, "Yo! He's the man!" Well, I'm the motherfuckin' man they're talkin' about. Me. I'm THE man. The man behind such big-cocked, huge-balled movies as Jet Cops, Bent Steel, Tank vs Tank, Shoot First (and it's sequel, Shoot Second), Punching Hard, Kick Doctor, Crankshaft and Double Barreled Bastard - all of which have netted a shit-kickin' $3.5 billion dollars at the box office. So yeah, damn fuckin' straight I'm the man.

Over the next few weeks or months or however fuckin' long I keep this shit going, I'll be taking you all behind the scenes of movie land. I'll be liftin' up Hollywood's skirt so you can all get a good look at her crudded up pussy. So hang on to your hats, guys - it's gonna be one Hell of a motherfuckin' ride.

Later.

- Vic Gallium.