Matt For It: Jesus Christ, It's Jesus Christ!

TELEVISION bosses have unveiled plans for a brand-new reality TV show, where a panel of judges will scour the country to find the next Jesus Christ.

Search For A Saviour will begin airing this summer on ITV1, and has the hopes of the network riding upon it.

"The recent glut of reality shows searching for new leads in West End musicals, such as How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria, Grease Is The Word and Any Dream Will Do have proven to be ratings winners. By delivering the ultimate reality show, wherein we try to find the next Jesus Christ, we are confident we will finally win the Saturday night ratings war," an ITV spokeswoman told Matt For It.

Jesus...Christ

Search For A Savior will feature thousands of hopeful, would-be Messiahs auditioning in front of a tough panel, where they must demonstrate their proficiency in parable telling, performing miracles and being holy. The lucky few who get past the initial stage will then proceed to a Christ Boot Camp, where they will hone their skills before the final test: a live crucifixion in front of a studio audience. The person who resurrects themselves first, thus demonstrating their power over life and death and ability to thereby grant eternal life to all those who follow His teachings, will be declared the winner and will receive ten thousand pounds, a contract with God Almighty and a framed certificate.

The panel of judges will include the current head of the Catholic Church, Pope Benedict XVI, the Archbishop of Canterbury, religious scholar Elaine Pagels and pop impresario Louis Walsh.

- Matt X

Matt For It: Elton's Birthday Bash 'Gayest Ever'

Elton John's 60th birthday bash, which takes place on March 25th in New York, will be the "gayest ever", according to Elton himself.

"I've had some very gay birthday parties in the past," Elton told Matt For It, "but they will all look positively straight when compared to this year's party. It will be unbelievably gay."

GAY SAUSAGE

Everything, from the guest-list to the food, will be "totally gay", said Elton. A team of top chefs have been flown in specially to prepare a suitably gay menu, including: gay ice cream, gay sausages, gay jelly and the gayest birthday cake in the world, shaped like a gay cock.

Elton John...gay.

GAY STUDIES

While the gay community prepares itself for the gayest day in it's gay social calender, some are less than gay (in the happy sense, not the gay sense) about the planned gay party.

"Elton John is being reckless and extremely selfish with this party," says Dr. Martin Gaybones, Doctor of Gay Studies at the University of Gaysville. "Gay is not an infinite resource, and it's supples are dwindling all the time, thanks to the Gay Pride marches, gay TV shows like 'Queer Eye for the Straight Guy' and 'Will and Grace', and gay singers like that gay one from Boyzone. Elton's party itself will drain a further 0.23% from the gay resources, which may not sound like much, but it may mean another gay man's gay birthday party will only be 'slightly camp' as opposed to 'fully gay.' "

Elton John has refused to comment on Dr. Gaybones' report, but has allegedly agreed to plant several gay trees after his gay party, to help replenish gay stocks.

Gay Elton John's gay birthday party will take place this Sunday, or 'Sungay', as it has now been rechristened.

- Matt X

Matt For It: Britney's CAT-alogue of Craziness

Bald-headed pop-starlet Britney Spears seems to be going crazier by the day.

When not shaving her head, or going in and out of rehab, she builds herself a fort made out of tiny cat skulls, according to sources.


Britney...oops she did it again! GEDDIT?

"Britney really has been losing it lately," the source exclusively revealed to me. "She's been building herself this...grotesque fort of skulls, and then populating the fort with tiny fish-soldiers, which are just dead goldfish dressed in tiny suits of armour."

FEARS

Britney has apparently built the sick mockery of a fort because she fears an attack from "the evil cat empire", reports state. Britney has even gone so far as to take cats who wonder into her garden hostage, and hold them in her self-made POW camp, a box with 'Meowschwitz' written on the side in crayon. She has also named herself 'Queen of the Fish-Men' and made herself a crown out of seaweed.

NUTTY

Friends are increasingly concerned for Britney's health, and fear she could soon land herself in real trouble, or injure herself. "The nutty mare needs help, and needs it quick", one friend told Matt For It. "She's totally retarded right now."

More news as it comes.

- Matt X