The Best Bits of the Internet that We Didn't Do 2

Hello and welcome again to The Best Bit of the Internet's 'The Best Bits of the Internet that We Didn't Do...2'! (APPLAUSE, CHEERING).

Right! Without further ado, here are some things we've found on the internet that we didn't do, but are still Quite Good nonetheless. Soooooo....

Pringle Bells

Some of our good chums are in a band, and as such they like to make music. One of the musics they made recently was a Christmas-themed jingle for everyone's favourite tube-based snack, Pringles, as part of a competition run by the crunchy crisp corporation. Below is the band's masterpiece, set to a lovely animated video involving snowmen. And crisps. Watch it, love it, and then why not vote for it on the Pringles site, so that they might win and maybe treat us to a delicious Pringle. Do it, or little baby Christ will cry for all infinity.

Crispy Christmas

Vote for this video at the Pringles Jingles site!

Snowfun

Yeah, we know, we know. We've run articles about this virtual snowman maker before, but the truth is we love it and we love its creator, the marvelous Mike Whaite. So we'll continue posting about it until EVERYONE on the ENTIRE INTERNET has visited it. Like these three folks, who've submitted their fine efforts here:

Dirty Snow by Beennzzz of Stealthy Bean. Filth. Utter FILTH. (Excellent, 5/5)




Snow Globes by Olga, The Traveling Bra. Nice snowy peaks, there.




Manny, by Jack Ferguson. A snow-alien-cowboy. No, we don't know either.

And Now the Huey Lewis and the News

Over at Mattress Police, the ever-excellent Diesel has decided to give his blog a profound meaning and purpose, by campaigning to get Huey Lewis and the News back on constant rotation on radio stations across the land. We here at The Best Bit of the Internet fully support this cause, and urge you to join this important crusade. Need more convincing? How about this, then?...



You know what to do.

Finally

Finally, a bit of the internet we DID do. The Astonishing Adventures of Lord Likely sees the titular aristocrat embark upon a BRAND-NEW adventure, entitled the Curious Case of the Conjuring Calamity. Of course, the fact we did it makes it entirely brilliant, plus this is the perfect jumping on point for those foolish imbeciles who have yet to sample his lordship's delights. Join the adventure, here!

That's it. We're spent. BYEEEE!

- Fanton.

The Best Bits of the Internet that We Didn't Do

Although we here at The Best Bit of the Internet are generally responsible for all the best stuff on the web, sometimes other people do things that are not too bad, and definitely worth a look. So, sit back, relax and pull down your pants as we share with you some of the best bits of the internet that we didn't do, in our new weekly column we call:

The Best Bits of the Internet that We Didn't Do

Daveula

This short film, made as part of a university project by some friends of ours, asks that age-old question: what would you do if you thought your mate was a vampire? We've all been there, right? Writer/director/star Tom Butler has done a sterling job on a budget of three pounds fifty-five, and produced a funny film for you to enjoy now:



Although we did not make this film, we heartily endorse it anyway. Not least because we did do a bit of writing on it, and generously donated our old flat for some of the location filming. We're nice like that. Hooray!

Filthy Snowmen

People of high virtue and unquestionable morals are often referred to as being "as pure as the driven snow." Well, now they'll have to rewrite that particular phrase, as snow just got a lot more filthy thanks to animation genius Mike Whaite. You may recall us pointing you all in the direction of his excellent virtual snowman maker earlier in the week, and now we present you with the XXXX hardcore, adult version! Go and make some slutty snowmen and snowwomen right now - like this pornographic pair right here:



Disgusting!

Laurel and Hardy As You've Never Heard Them Before!

The Peter Serafinowicz Show concluded its run on BBC2 this week, causing us to all moan and wail with displeasure, as it was pretty much the only show on TV we tuned into regularly. Still, it was great while it lasted, featuring some really genius comic moments, such as this rather...colourful tribute to Laurel and Hardy. Enjoy!



So there you go. There is some other good stuff out there, after all.

BYE!

- Andy Fanton.

BNN: Terrorist Leader Skeletor Arrested

The Best News Network


Los Angeles, California

The War on Terror claimed another victory last night, after the sensational arrest of terrorist leader and skeletal super-villain Skeletor, following a sensational raid on his LA apartment, late last night.

Skeletor - real name Keldor - was led away in handcuffs by police, after officers were tipped off about his location by concerned neighbours.

Got him...an officer leads Skeletor to an awaiting police car.

"There had been a lot of loud music and shouting coming from his apartment," neighbour Jutt Firwad told BNN. "I went to complain about the noise, and couldn't believe my eyes when I saw Skeletor standing there, larger than life! He told me to f*** off, and waved a staff in my face, saying he was gonna zap me, so I ran back to my place and immediately called the cops."

The police arrived on the scene promptly, along with the FBI, and some SWAT teams. Mr. Skeletor apparently tried to evade capture by riding off on a large, purple panther, but police marksman shot the panther dead, leaving the fleshless felon stranded. Skeletor was then apprehended in a relatively quick and painless operation, although reports state that one police officer was partially disintegrated in the melee.

It is not known what Skeletor was doing in the USA, so far away from his Eternian lair on Snake Mountain, although evidence suggests that he may have arrived in LA to attend a meeting of a local Infinitist terror group.

Skeletor had eluded capture for many years, despite being on the FBI's Most Wanted list for the best part of two decades. He was wanted in connection with a series of attacks on the royal family of Eternia, as well as numerous counts of torture and cruelty. He was also believed to have possessed weapons of mass destruction, such as the Havoc Staff which was recovered on the scene last night.

President Bush was informed of the arrest in the early hours of this morning, and was said to have been "extremely relieved," and also spoke of a "great validation" for the ongoing War on Terror. Prince Adam of Eternia was also told of the arrest, and expressed his "sincere thanks and admiration" towards the American security forces, although Democrats are demanding that the President explains how such a high-profile terrorist figure could get into the country so easily.

Skeletor's arrest follows hot on the heels of the recent incarceration of Ram Man, one of Skeletor's many accomplices, who was arrested last month. The pair are currently being held in a high-security prison in California, awaiting trial.

More news as it comes.

The Best Fun: Build a Snowman Without Freezing Your Balls Off

So, it is November; the nights are getting darker, a chill fills the air and Winter's ice-cold hands will soon be upon us, like some kind of zombie bastard clawing at your face, trying to feast on your warm, squidgy brains.

But you know what else Winter brings, right? Yup - SNOW!

Snow is great fun. You can compact it into balls and hurl it at the heads of unsuspecting relatives, you can write your name in it or you can eat it in a desperate bid to stay alive when you find yourself trapped on a mountain, having already eaten your best friend who gave his life so that you might live. Ah, yes. Great times.

Another reason that snow is so fucking ace is that you can use it to make snowmen. Or snow-women. Or snow people-of-no-specific-gender, if you wish to be politically correct. You freak.

But what if you like to build snowmen, but don't like freezing your bits off in the ice-cold air? What if you are allergic to snow? What if snow terrifies you beyond all belief? What if snow killed your family? WHAT CAN YOU DO THEN?

Well, luckily help is at hand courtesy of the excellent Mr. Michael Whaite. Mike, as the more attentive among you might recall, is the frankly brilliant animator who worked with us on the pilot episode for our Carrotty Kid cartoon, which was bloody ace. And so is he.

Well, now Mike has come up with Snowfun, a brilliant way for you (yes, YOU) to build yourself a snowman online, without having to ever leave the warmth and comfort of your home, and without that annoyance of getting frostbite and DYING.

We here at The Best Bit of the Internet think Snowfun is cocking well fab. For example, we spent far too much time messing around with it earlier, to create these two lovely, snowy tributes to our very own Lord Likely, and his man-servant, Botter. BEHOLD:



Ah-hahaha! Boy, we are so funny.

If you think you're anywhere near as hilarious as we are, then...well, you're wrong, obviously. I mean look, we did a snowman pissing on another snowman! THAT'S FUCKING FUNNY! Still, if you insist that you too can make excellent virtual snowmen, then head on over to Snowfun, peruse the gallery and then put your gloves on and get building!

Feel free to share any of your doubtless hideous creations with us here, or by e-mailing us at andy fanton at google mail dot com

Have fun, you crazy kids. And wrap up warm.

- Mr. Andy Fanton.

Suck My Hollywood: Shove Your Pen Up Your Ass

So, the Writers Guild of America has called for strike action by its 12,000 members this Monday, all because they think writers should get more money or some such shit.

Fucking writers.

I've had nothing but fucking trouble with these pencil-dicked pen-pushers. I remember back in 1993, having a really rough fucking time trying to get a writer to stick to my vision for a movie I had greenlit called Tank vs Tank. It was an idea put to me by my good friend and fellow producer LeonHeimlich, about a crazed Soviet agent trashing downtown New York with a big, fuckin' tank. The only guy who could stop this crazy Commie was a US tank commander called Karl Tank, a bad-ass with a dark past and an addiction to crack cocaine. Cue lots of spectacular tank chases, shit blowin' up and Karl Tank fuckin' some chick on the roof of his tank. It was a license to print money, as far as I was concerned.

So, I sent the synopsis to this fresh, new writer called Teddy Lunge, who had just written an Oscar-nominated screenplay for a film called I Dream of Lenin for the Wankblast Brothers. I had heard good things about this kid.

I had been badly misled. The next day, I get a phone call from Lunge, who's going out of his mind. He moans at me for a good half an hour, saying he thinks that Karl Tank is "underwritten" and has no real depth to him.

"Depth?" I snorted down the phone. "If I wanted depth, I'd stick my dick in your mom's pussy! 'Depth?' I mean, what the fuck is wrong with you? It's a fucking popcorn flick, man."

"But I don't get the whole deal with the Soviet agent," this little shit wails on. "Why is he going on this rampage? He seems to be a simple stereotype, a cypher. He's nothing more than a blank screen for you to project some anti-Russian rhetoric."

"For fuck's sake, kid, did you shove a fuckin' dictionary up your ass or somethin'? Listen, I don't know what you're whinin' on about, but I will tell you this - all I want is a shit-load of explosions, some fucking kick-ass quips and maybe a comedy Irish cop. You'll fuckin' write what I fuckin' want, kid, if you wanna stay in the business."

Lunge hangs up and then a couple of days later I get a fucking gay-ass letter saying that he's bowing out of the project, citing 'creative differences.'

Yeah. Creative differences. The difference being, I'm a white-hot volcano of liquid creativity, and he's a fucking dick.

Anyway, I passed the project on to one of my regular guys, who turns in a fan-fucking-tastic script, (man, the line "Tanks for nothing!" still makes me piss my pants), and the film goes on to do stellar business at the Box Office. And where's Ted Lunge? Probably dead or something, I'd guess.

So fuck writers. If they wanna get a bigger slice of the profit, they gotta stop fuckin' whining all the goddamn time and do some actual fucking writin' for once.

And they gotta stop doubting my fucking genius.

- Vic Gallium.

The Best Advice: Making Money

The Best Bit of the Internet Presents:

THE BEST ADVICE

1. Making a Shitload of Money on the Internet

Yeah, you've heard it all before. You've probably all read John Chow, or Problogger or any of the other countless blogs and sites all offering you fail-safe advice on how to find your riches in the virtual hills of the internet.

Well forget them. Those guys? Pfffft. They don't know their assholes from their SEOs. Luckily, The Best Bit of the Internet is on hand with REAL advice on how to make those big bucks. Trust us, we know what we're talking about. We all have solid-gold trousers on, and drink champagne from glass slippers all day. SO LISTEN UP!

Step One: FORGET CONTENT! Dullards often say, 'Hey! If you write consistently good, well-written content, people will find it and you will soon rake in the cash!'

WRONG!

People don't have a clue. People know SHIT. People pay good money to watch Rob Schneider movies, or to go to James Blunt concerts. People are STUPID. Don't try to pander to some imagined army of rich intellectuals trawling the internet for a good read, eager to reward the author with cash money. They don't exist. All the really clever people are out getting drunk on yachts, not reading your bloody blog. Remember that.

So, always just write the bare minimum. Don't put too much thought into the content, because your readers won't want to think too much. They'll more than likely have stumbled across your site by accident anyway, looking for nude pictures of some big-titted bint from Heroes, or something. Which brings us on to step two...

Step Two: SEX SELLS! Fact: the internet was invented solely as a means of sharing pornography. Al Gore made the internet back in 1993, when he desperately wanted a wank but had left his copy of Hairy Dairy back in the office. Luckily, Bill Clinton had two copies, so he posted one to Al by express mail. As Al spanked himself silly over the pictures of farmers fucking, he thought that it would be 'really neat' if people could send each other porn really quickly by computer. Thus, the internet was born. True story, look it up.

Now, you can either ignore this fact, and pretend the internet was made to 'link people together', or 'to share information' or whatever other bollocks people say to fool themselves.

OR: you can embrace the truth, and cater for the largest audience on the net - the hairy-palmed virgins desperate to see a bit of tit. Usually, illustrating your post with a semi-clad female will do the trick.


Hear that sound? That's the sound of hundreds of sweaty-browed teenage boys hitting your website!

You don't even have to use pictures, if you're the prudish type. A few liberally-placed references to sexual organs or fucking throughout your site will get you more unsuspecting readers. A cock here, a pair of big, bouncy boobies there, a woman with a dick in her mouth there, and you're away. All you have to do now is get the sudden influx of readers to click on your ads and make you some dough. Talking of which...

Step Three: SELL YOUR ARSE OFF! Don't be timid about fully embracing the seedy world of click-thru adverts, affiliates, banners and other such shit. Hey, you want to make money, don't you? SO GO AND MAKE SOME!

Plaster your blog with gaudy adverts and flashing banners and spinning graphics. Don't stop until your blog looks like a billboard designed by coked-up junkies, leaving your disoriented readers with little option to click on one of the ads in the absence of any non-advertising space. And hey - don't feel guilty or dirty, you are on the internet, now. Your soul disappeared a long time ago. ADVERTISE AWAY!

Step Four: Drink Diet Coke. Buy an XBox 360. Treat yourself to a delicious bucket of KFC! Watch Heroes. Click here to buy more stuff! CONSUME!

Step Five: failing the above, simply set up a blog dispensing vague but important-sounding advice about how to make money online. Post a picture of yourself looking ridiculously smug and knowledgeable, so people will trust you. Also, a picture of a fast car of shiny pants will make you look really swish and stinking rich. Re-write the same article every few weeks, pepper your posts with affiliate links, fill every nook and cranny with ads and sponsors and watch the money roll in.

Congratulations! You are now officially a rich bastard. WELL DONE!

- by Andy Fanton, CEO of LookAtAllMyCash.com

Suck My Hollywood: What the Fuck is Wrong with Cuba Gooding Jr?

Once every two months, my ex-wife and all-round bitch Loretta lets me spend a weekend with our son, 8 year-old Tad.

Tad is a really good fucking kid, who is already just fucking nuts about movies. The little son-of-a-bitch is gonna grow up to be a sexy, Hollywood super-producer just like his dad, I swear.

So, last weekend I took Tad to see that fucking Daddy Day Camp, a sequel of sorts to that shitty Eddie Murphy flick, Daddy Day Care. It was a piece of shit movie, predictable and stupid and just...well, shit. Even Tad said it was, "more painful than a fissure in the ass." (He's a bright kid, is Tad). Daddy Day Camp marks the umpteenth consecutive crappy role for Cuba Gooding Jr, who's career seems to have gone down the toilet quicker than Godzilla's first shit of the day.

I mean, what the fuck is wrong with Cuba Gooding Jr, anyway? Since picking up an Oscar for his performance in Jerry Maguire, the asshole has churned out dud after dud after dud. He did that crappy gay boat film, that one where he has some fucking huskies, and that fucking Eddie Murphy crap-fest Norbit. (Murphy's another asshole who seems to make more shit than a thousand diarrheatic camels). I mean, c'mon! Does the guy ever bother to read the fucking scripts he gets sent? Does he just love making shitty movies? Or was he just a dick all along, and no-one noticed before?

I remember the time I offered him a role in my 1998 blockbuster Crankshaft. He turned down the part of 'second mechanic in cafeteria' because he wanted to play "more substantial, significant roles". Shortly afterwards, the asshole appeared in that God-awful Robin Williams picture (another asshole, by the way), What Dreams May Come. I had the last laugh though, when Crankshaft fucking buried that sappy piece of shit at the box office.

Still, I'm not one to hold a grudge, and if Cuba Gooding Jr ever wants to appear in a movie that isn't a heap of fucking shit, I'll gladly offer him another part. Otherwise, he should stick to making shit, and hand his Oscar back to the Academy, or shove it up his own stupid ass.

- Vic Gallium.

For more from Vic Gallium, click here.