Hello, and welcome back to The Best Bit of the Internet!
Yes, like a sexy phoenix from the flames, The Best Bit of the Internet has risen once more, nearly two months after being shot dead by trained assassins.
With so many (fucking BRILLIANT) ideas bubbling away in our collective heads, we here at Crazy Kids Productions (that's us) decided that rather than constantly making new blogs and sites for everything (only for them to then go unattended for months when we get bored of the idea), we'd much rather just reinstate The Best Bit of the Internet to house them all again, under one roof. ONE REALLY EXCELLENT ROOF!
Just below this post (probably one of the BEST posts you've ever read, right?) you'll find new Anthology of Awful, Take Life From Behind, and Carrotty Kid; as well as all-new additions to the Best Bit roster, like Stink Crescent Meadows, Suck My Hollywood and The Shits O'Clock News.
Bloody hell, there's some good stuff right there.
So: we're back. Keep watching this very space for more best bits - and tell your friends that The Best Bit of the Internet is back, back, BACK!
HOORAY!
Friday, 21 September 2007
The Best is Back!
The Carrotty Kid: Cobbzilla - The Animation!
Hey, best buddies!
Regular followers of The Best Bit of the Internet may have heard us go on about our web-comic The Carrotty Kid, and may well have seen the fantastic pilot episode (and then pooped yourself with delight), but now we present to you more animated carrot fun, with the carrotty cartoon we call 'Cobbzilla', once again animated by the supremely delicious Mike Whaite.
Click the image below to enjoy the first part of this cartoon EPIC - and enjoy!
For more Carrotty Kid, skip on over to his website at www.thecarrottykid.co.uk - or TASTE the PAIN.
Suck My Hollywood: Son of a Pitch
There's an old saying in Hollywood - "If you're gonna fuck a chick, make sure sure she has no dick." Which is real good goddamn advice, but that's not what I wanna talk about today.
The old saying I'm talking about is this: "If you wanna get rich, learn how to pitch". This is abso-fucking-lutely true.
In this town, you can have the best fucking idea for a movie ever, but if you can't present it to some suited-up cunt in the boardroom, then you're fucked. Learning to pitch your idea in a way that makes anyone who hears it instantly cum in their pants is the key to success in Hollywood.
I've been pitching shit for years now, ever since I was a wide-eyed kid trying to break into the industry. I can still remember my first successful pitch back in the Eighties, when I pitched the idea for Kick Doctor to the head of Felch Films, Jeff Spazzmeyer. "He's a doctor," I said, "and he knows martial arts. He gets fed up of tending to the victims of a gang war in his city, so he goes out to kick some butt and sort shit out. It's General Hospital meets Kung-Fu! It's Quincy meets Enter the Dragon! He's taking prescriptions - and dishing out PAIN!"
Well, Spazzmeyer couldn't get his check book out quick enough, and soon we had my first blockbuster hit, taking a cool $76 million at the Box Office. I had fucking arrived, and it was all thanks to pitching my ass off like a motherfucker.
I may not be so young any more (but I'm still fucking shit-hot sexy), but I haven't lost my pitching skills. Only last week I successfully pitched an idea for a new action flick called Gutbuster, to the heads of Pissflap Pictures. "Terrorists have found a way to shrink themselves down to a microscopic size." I said, excitedly. "A whole bunch of them get themselves injected into the President's backside, and are threatening to explode the President from within unless their crazy demands are met. Only one ex-marine, John Muffdiver, is willing to get himself shrunk down and inserted into the President's ass to take on these terrorist scum. It's Innerspace meets Commando - Muffdiver's beating the shit out of terrorists, and beating the terrorists out of the shit. He's kicking ass inside an ass!"
Pissflap promptly bought the idea, and hope to fast-track this bad boy for a spring 2008 release, with Vin Diesel to star.
I've still fucking got it, cocksuckers.
- Vic Gallium.
Ray the Otter - Kitty
For a whole bunch more Ray, visit i done a comic today!
The Shits O'Clock News: Opinion Box
The recent suicide attempt by Zoolander and Royal Tenenbaums star Owen Wilson is obviously a terrible and tragic event, but what do YOU think about it? The Shits O'Clock News hit the streets to find out.
"It's a cocking disgrace," said Mr. Marty Fuck, a dick polisher from Verwood in Dorset. "Why did it have to be poor Owen Wilson? He is brilliant, and has a fantastic wonky nose. Why couldn't it have been someone shit, like Rob Schneider or Martin Lawrence? It's fucking crazy."
This statement was echoed by a Miss Lucy Plops, of Birmingham. "A cunt like Vinnie Jones or the Wayans brothers should have been in that hospital now, driven to slashing their wrists in the realisation that they do nothing but inflict utterly shit movies on the movie-going public. Owen Wilson is too ace to be there."
Owen Wilson - 'excellent'."If there was any justice in the world, Jude Law would have not only overdosed on drugs, but then ran onto some train tracks and exploded under the wheels of an oncoming freight train. It definitely should not have been Owen Wilson, who is brill," said Mr. Alan Mirkin, a horse fucker from Somerset.
"I cannot believe that Kate Hudson ditched Owen for Dax Shepard, who is the very definition of wank," Mr. Kenneth Hedgerow, a retired rapist from London told Opinion Box. "Did you see Employee of the Month? Absolute toss. He should have sucked an exhaust pipe the moment he signed up for Without A Paddle."
So, there you have it, the Great British public have spoken, and what do they say?
Owen Wilson is fucking excellent. Join in the discussion today, in the comments section.
- Report filed by Sir Renchard Likely
Suck My Hollywood: FUCK Hollywood
Fuck Hollywood.
Yeah, that's right. That's what I said. Fuck Hollywood. Hey, that's what I do, each and every motherfuckin' day. I take Hollywood, lift up Hollywood's skirt, pull down Hollywood's panties and fuck it hard on my desk. And I don't stop fuckin' until Hollywood is my fuckin' BITCH.
Hey, you don't like it? Then fuck you too.
I'm Vic Gallium, Hollywood super-producer. You all know the name. You know when people say, "Yo! He's the man!" Well, I'm the motherfuckin' man they're talkin' about. Me. I'm THE man. The man behind such big-cocked, huge-balled movies as Jet Cops, Bent Steel, Tank vs Tank, Shoot First (and it's sequel, Shoot Second), Punching Hard, Kick Doctor, Crankshaft and Double Barreled Bastard - all of which have netted a shit-kickin' $3.5 billion dollars at the box office. So yeah, damn fuckin' straight I'm the man.
Over the next few weeks or months or however fuckin' long I keep this shit going, I'll be taking you all behind the scenes of movie land. I'll be liftin' up Hollywood's skirt so you can all get a good look at her crudded up pussy. So hang on to your hats, guys - it's gonna be one Hell of a motherfuckin' ride.
Later.
- Vic Gallium.
The Shits O'Clock News: Wanker Walks Free
London, UK
A blunder by the stupid fucking police force has allowed part-time rocker and full-time twatstick Pete Doherty to walk free, after having been arrested on suspected drug offences on Monday.
Dickwad Doherty, 28, singer with such shitty bands as the Libertines and Babyshambles, was arrested Monday after performing at the V Festival, but the charge of breaching conditional bail was dropped after police failed to produce Doherty before court within the 24 hour time period. The useless twats.
Pete Doherty, probably off his face on sherbert, or something.In a statement, Metropolitan Police confessed they had made an error. "Yeah, we fucked it up," a spokesman told the press. "We could have put that tedious little cunt Pete Doherty away, but as we are a bunch of fucking retards, we sort of forgot we had to get him in front of a court within 24 hours. Boy, are our faces red!"
There is still hope, however, as waste of skin Doherty is still waiting to be charged on previous accounts of drugs and driving offences, so we might yet see the moon-faced cock-knocker locked up.
Report filed by our showbiz editor, Matthew Matthews
Take Life From Behind : Two Steps Forward
Think about this, friends. Only a short while ago you were in bed, not standing, and not at all ready to take on life.
Now look at you! You're out of that bed, and completely stood up, ready to look life in the face and scream, "I am coming to get you, life!"
That's great. It really is. Now onto the next part of my program - it's time to get moving!
It's all very well being awake and out of bed, standing up vertically on your own two feet. But all that means approximately diddley-squat if you're not prepared to go anywhere. So, let's stop standing still, and start not standing still.
It's a harsh fact of life, but a lot of people can spend their entire lives standing still and not moving, which is fine if you're a living statue or artist's model, but otherwise it is NOT FINE. No one got anywhere standing still and not moving, you know. And that, my friends, is cast-iron, stone-clad scientific FACT.
So, here is what I want you to do. I want you to move your feet. Not at the same time - that's later, in the chapter entitled 'Jumping to Success!'. No, all you need do now is move one foot, and then the other, in a forwards direction. Not backwards, or sidewards. FORWARDS. Forwards is the direction you need to go. Remember that.
Feel that? That's you, taking two steps forward. Two steps nearer to a NEW YOU, a NEW LIFE, NEW OPPORTUNITIES and also nearer to your BEDROOM DOOR.
Feels good, doesn't it? Tell me how good it feels by calling my Feel Good Foneline on 08000 IFEELGOOD. Calls cost $4.50 per minute.
Well, enjoy taking your first, tentative steps to success. Be sure to join me again real soon, as we prepare to TAKE LIFE FROM BEHIND!
See ya!
- Dan Bobbins.
Anthology of Awful: Terror Tree
Trees.
They are our giant, wooden friends, providing us with the very air we breathe, our shelter and our firewood. There is nothing at all BAD about trees, is there?
Or is there?
For Janet Hotpoint, a housewife from Dorchester, a tree was to prove to be something altogether more sinister...
Janet Hotpoint was a receptionist at a busy PR firm, a job which kept her terribly busy during the day, and which left here exhausted by the time the evening set in. Suffice to say, Miss Hotpoint was eager to collapse into her bed after a hard day's receptioning, and drift off to a peaceful slumber.
On this occasion, however, peaceful was the very thing her slumber would not be. For, at around midnight, she was suddenly awoken by a tapping upon the bedroom window.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
Janet Hotpoint sat bolt upright, her heart pounding in her chest. What was that awful noise? Was there someone at her window, trying to break in? Was it a phantom, trying to drive her from her home? Or, worse still, could it be a murderous, zombie woodpecker, attempting to break in and feast on her flesh?
Tap. Tap. Tap.
Janet Hotpoint began to panic, her mind racing with awful thoughts. What was that noise?
Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.
The noise was occurring more frequently now, building to a frantic cacophony as if someone - or something - was desperately trying to gain entrance.
Taptaptaptaptaptaptaptap.
Janet flung back her duvet, and picked up a baseball bat next to her bed. The bat had been a gift from an ex-boyfriend, despite the fact she hated the game and had not expressed any interest in learning the sport. Now, however, she was grateful for it, as she grasped it firmly with both hands and advanced towards the window, ready to smash in the face of whatever demonic entity was trying to force entry into her bedroom.
Taptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptaptap.
Janet Hotpoint braced herself as she neared the source of the terrifying taping. She took a deep breath, held the bat up, and flung open the curtains.
She gasped.
There, on the other side of the window, was a tree. Just a tree.
Just a tree?
For Janet Hotpoint, there was no such thing as 'just a tree', for she suffered from dendrophobia, a crippling fear of trees. As the tree continued to sway in the breeze, its long, dark branches reaching out and tapping the glass of the window, Janet screamed, turned and ran from her room in terror.
She never did venture back into her room, until she got the tree cut down a week later by a gardener. But some nights, when she was alone in the dark, she could swear that she could still the gnarled form of that tree, clawing at the window with it's fearsome wooden fingers....
A fear of trees? You may scoff, dear reader, but fear can take many forms. Some people are even afraid of words...
Sleep well, dear readers...if you can.
Hahahahahahaahahahahaha!
- The Book-Keeper.
The Shits' O Clock News: Breaking Wind
Jamaica, the Americas.
Jamaica is bracing itself for the onslaught of Hurricane Dean, as the big fucking storm heads straight towards the Caribbean.
The country is on full alert as the 145 mph winds advance onwards from the Caribbean Sea, having already ravaged parts of the Eastern Caribbean, blowing shit over, smashing stuff and generally causing a right fucking mess.
A woman prepares herself for the oncoming storm, by putting up her umbrella.The US is also on full alert and standing by, ready to fly in aid when the storm strikes, "if necessary". How they define "necessary" is not yet clear, but from the shitty, slow response to Hurricane Katrina two years ago, Jamaican authorities are not holding their breath.
Hurricane Dean - probably named after Eastenders' star Dean Gaffney - was unavailable for comment. The big, windy bastard.
- Report filed by our Weather Reporter, Sonny Skies.
The Shits' O Clock News: US Cut Rates or Something
New York, USA
Economies worldwide showed signs of recovery this morning, following the cock-awful stock market crash on Thursday which saw billions of dollars wiped off of share prices, causing many rich cunts to drop their cigars in horror, and leading to some even spurting out a mouthful of champagne, as they saw their shares tumble to the ground like a whore's knickers.
In order to reverse the decline of that terrible day - now known as 'Shit Thursday' by traders - the US Federal Reserve cut the rate at which it lends to commercial banks, or some such shit that we don't fully understand, to be honest.
Whatever the fuck they did, it seemed to help, and the 0.5% cut saw shares open higher in Wall Street, London and across Europe.
Some bastard looking like someone shat in his sandwich. "I'm fucking relieved," one stock market trader told the Shits O'Clock News. "I was about ready to jump out of a fucking window. But now, I won't have to. I probably wouldn't have anyway, as this suit is quite expensive."
Miserable cunt analysts warn that the markets are from stable yet, and that recent turmoil could yet be resumed, or have a further effect on national economies.
"I'm fucking warning you," said one analyst.
In other news: Chocolate manufacturers Cadburys are set to reintroduce Wispa chocolate bars to UK shops, following tremendous online support from thousands of fat bastards on the internet.
- Report filed by our business correspondent, Halifax Card.
